Kinky Torah: Parashat Va'eira

7:1 God said to Moses, 'Observe! I will be making you like a god to Pharaoh, and your brother Aaron will be your prophet. 7:2 You must announce all that I order you to, and your brother Aaron will relate it to Pharaoh. He will then let the Israelites leave his land. 7:3 'I will make Pharaoh stubborn, and will thus have the opportunity to display many miraculous signs and wonders in Egypt. 7:4 This is why Pharaoh will not pay attention to you. But then I will display My power against Egypt, and with great acts of judgment, I will bring forth from Egypt My armies - My people, the Israelites. 7:5 When I display My power and bring the Israelites out from among them, Egypt will know that I am God.'

When studying a parashah, sometimes a single word propels me--other times it is a phrase or verse, perhaps a pericope. Once in a blue moon, however, it is the entirety of the parashah that moves me. Va'eira is such a portion.

Va'eira, meaning "I will reveal," reveals the dark side, not just of the oppressed mind of the rejecting Israelites, not just of the absolutely powered therefore absolutely corruptible Pharaoh, not just of the whimpering, no confidence Moses. Va’eira reveals the dark side of God. In this portion, God begins the terrible game with Pharaoh—making his heart stubborn so that God can display awesome and awful plagues. So many people will die, painfully and horrifically, but God will “have the opportunity to display many miraculous signs and wonders” so, who cares?

Va’eira is at the heart of the most oft told and well known story we have—the Exodus from Egypt—and yet Va’eira begins the darkest concept of God we have ever considered throughout our history. The God of Va’eira is bitter and bloodthirsty, opportunistic and sadistic. The God of Va’eira is as dark as the human soul can imagine.

I have always hated this imagining of God. Every time I read about God hardening Pharaoh’s heart, I get so angry; why is it alright to bring ten plagues that will massacre hundreds, if not thousands of people when Pharaoh would have relented after the first five less horrifically destructive plagues? Why would we write a vengeful, sadistic God at all? What inside of the human soul requires the divine to mirror the darkness embedded in each of our souls?

Because that is the base truth of Va’eira: the human soul is filled with darkness as well as light. We are bitter and bloodthirsty, opportunistic and sadistic. Like the Israelites we reject. Like Pharaoh we are corruptible. Like Moses we have no confidence. So, we assume, like God we are cruel and fame seeking and vengeful and horrific in every way. We are dark and we have within us the spark of God therefore God must be as dark as we.

Va’eira is not about God. It is about the human psyche—the darkness within us all. Va’eira elevates our darkness to a fantastical, appalling, miraculous saga.

Do not get me wrong, I truly believe that we are amazing. The human experience is inherently good and beautiful and filled with wonder. Nevertheless, part of what makes us so outstanding is the fact that the darkness is always trying to engulf us. We live a life straddled between the yetzer hatov and the yetzer hara. Va’eira is yet another reminder that the ra is just as integral to the human experience as the tov. So integral, in fact, we even project our yetzer hara onto God.

God is not actually cruel and hardening and sadistic. We are.

Kinky Torah: Parashat Shemot: Each of Us Has A Name

Each of Us Has a Name, by Zelda

Each of us has a name
given by God
and given by our parents
Each of us has a name
given by our stature and our smile
and given by what we wear
Each of us has a name
given by the mountains
and given by our walls
Each of us has a name
given by the stars
and given by our neighbors
Each of us has a name
given by our sins
and given by our longing
Each of us has a name
given by our enemies
and given by our love
Each of us has a name
given by our celebrations
and given by our work
Each of us has a name
given by the seasons
and given by our blindness
Each of us has a name
given by the sea
and given by
our death.

Each of us has a name, given by our vanilla lives, and by our kink. At least for those of us that have a kinky side. Indeed, we all have many aspects to our lives...I think this becomes more evident for those of use who come with a bit of kink. We have our "regular lives" and the aspects that involve our kink.

This week's portion begins a new book of the Torah...and begins a new stage of the history of our people. And, indeed, of our name. Indeed, it is in the first chapter of this book that the name Israel transforms from the name of a guy (well, to be honest, the second name of a guy), to the name of a group. It is when our ancestors move from being an extended family towards being a people. It is this name that becomes our identity; the rest of the story is how we grow into that name.

I've been on my own journey of discovery for a bit now. It was a couple of years ago that I admitted at all that I had this side...a bit less than a year since I admitted it fully and began to engage that aspect of myself. And even begun to embrace it. I have a name that I use with those I've just come to meet in this realm....and perhaps that's the name of my kinky self. Those that I've come to be close with have learned my real name, as well. I'm still learning where that line is drawn. Still learning what my names are....still figuring out how I fit into my names.

I've found myself in a relationship, of late, with someone I've come to love deeply. He's married, and poly, and I'm not his only girlfriend. All that, on its own, includes its own selection of challenges. The fact that I'm a rabbi, and cannot make this all public, an additional collection of difficulties. Add on that he lives far away makes it all even tougher. But, we persevere. And, in the end, I think it's all a good thing. I'm still figuring out what this new identity, this new name so to speak, means to me...still growing into it, I suppose.

But I digress (I have a habit of doing that). Each of us has a name. We each have so many aspects to our lives...for me, once I realized and admitted I had a kinky side...well, I added a name for myself. But there's a lesson here, as well. We must figure out who we are as individuals, in general, but also who we are as our kinky selves.

How do we stay true to our identity in general, while claiming our new names? How do we balance it all? I believe we each have our own answer for that. But it's a good question to keep in mind.

Each of us has a name. Given to us by our lives, and given to us by our choices. May we all live up to our names and continually define what those names are.

Kinky Torah: Parashat Vay'chi

Parashat Vay'chi, the last Torah portion in Sefer B'reishit (the book of Genesis), is most famous for Jacob's deathbed "blessing" of his twelve sons in chapter 49. Let's be honest here, whether or not this is really a "blessing" is up for discussion--Jacob is not kind to all of his sons. I was prepared to write a serious discourse about the nature of conferring such dark messages on one's deathbed when I realized: whatever, let's have some fun!

And so I offer you, my faithful reader, each son's fetish as revealed by their blessing. If you are not certain as to how, exactly, I have exhumed each fetish from the text, ask me. Please, please, please feel free to vociferously disagree with me and tell me all about it! For a full text of each blessing, look it up!

Reuben ~ Mommy/son

49:4 …This is because you violated your father's beds, committing a profane act. He slept with my wife!

Simeon & Levi ~ Sadists

49:7 Cursed be their rage, for it is fierce, and their fury, for it is cruel. I will disperse them in Jacob, scatter them in Israel.

Judah ~ Dominant

49:8 'Judah, your brothers shall submit to you… 49:10 …Nations will submit to him until the final tranquility comes.

Zebulun ~ Prostituting

49:13 'Zebulun shall settle the seashores; he will be a harbor for ships; his border shall reach Sidon.

Issachar ~ Slave

49:15 But he sees that the resting place is good, and that the land is pleasant, so he will bend his back to the load, working like a slave.

Dan ~ Foot Fetish

49:17 Let Dan be a snake on the road, a viper on the path, biting the horse's heel, so the rider falls backward.

Gad ~ Smart Ass Sub

49:19 'Raiders shall raid Gad, but he will raid at [their] heel.

Asher ~ Whipped Cream, Ginger, Chocolate Sauce, Champagne, Cucumbers, so on and so on…

49:20 'From Asher shall come the richest foods; he shall provide the king's delights.

Naphtali ~ Queer

49:21 Naphtali is a hind prancing free; he delivers words of beauty.

Joseph ~ Adult Nursing Relationship/Pregnancy Fetish/Etc.

49:25 '[This was] from your father's God, who will [still] help you, and from the Eternal, who will bless you. [Yours will be] the blessings of heaven above, the blessing of the water lying beneath, the blessing of breast and womb.

Benjamin ~Blood Sports

49:27 'Benjamin is a vicious wolf. He eats a portion in the morning, and divides his prey in the evening.'

Kinky Torah: Parashat Vayigash

Genesis 45:1 Joseph could not hold in his emotions. Since all his attendants were present, he cried out, 'Have everyone leave my presence!' Thus, no one else was with him when Joseph revealed himself to his brothers.

Recently, I “came out” to my sister. I told her about the blog and my being submissive, about my love of spankings and floggers, about the Doms I have been with; I told her everything. [If you, who are reading this, have had the good fortune of spanking or flogging or Dominating me in any way, do not fear. I did not name you.]

I was nervous telling her. I cannot say, exactly, what prompted me to reveal to her my secret life except, perhaps that I don’t handle secrets well. I like to talk about things. I like to share my reality with the people in my life. I like everything to be in the open.

Nevertheless, not every venue is appropriate for every revelation. I am not going to be discussing BDSM from the bimah anytime soon. Nor am I not going to be comparing floggers with the sisterhood. My sexual preferences, no matter how enmeshed they are with my personality, have no place in my congregational rabbinate. This is not to say that I or anyone else should suppress our sexuality for the sake of the congregation; merely that I would not discuss my sex life from the pulpit no matter how socially acceptable it would be deemed to be.

Joseph understood this. He understood that his private life was just that, private. He did not have to reveal himself before his attendants. They did not need to know who he really was under the veil of vizier.

But his brothers—they did need to know.

I told my sister that I am submissive, that I am kinky, that I am a proponent of BDSM. And she gently but clearly [she would make a great Domme!] told me that I have to tell our parents. To hide myself from my congregation is one thing, but to hide myself from my family…that is a form of personal suppression and ultimately unhealthy for a person like me who does not handle secrets well. (Please understand that we have amazing parents who are free thinkers, both socially and sexually. Sadly, I know that is not the case for everyone.) To be fair, she really only told me that I had to tell our mother. Mom, in turn, would tell Dad everything. I must have been ready, because a few days later, I did.

I chose not to offer my mom any particular proclivities, only that I and a couple of rabbi friends of mine have this blog on BDSM, that I am a strong advocate for a sex-positive society and that I identify as kinky. She was so cute. One of the first things she said was, “I saw Secretary!” The only negative thing she said during the entire conversation was that she was disappointed that I thought I couldn’t tell her. Did I mention that I have amazing free thinking parents?!

Just like Joseph, I have had to hide myself from the people I work with and for. But, just like Joseph, I needed to reveal my true self to my family. I needed to be able to talk to my mom about the men who have captured my fancy. I needed to run some ideas for the blog by my sister. I needed my family to know about me—the real me.

The REAL Lesson of Hanukkah

Chanukah is a fun holiday. We are meant to celebrate, party, indulge in greasy foods and sit in awe of the candles remembering the "miracle" of the oil. If that is working for you, you may want to stop reading this post because I am about to burst one of the biggest myths of Hannukka: the oil thing is a load of crap.

About 400 years after the fact, the rabbis of the Talmud fabricate the "single vial of oil lasting 8 days" story to throw off the Romans from the real miracle - the military victory of the Hasmoneans over the Greeks. Now, if you have not read I Maccabees recently you may not remember why those crazy Hasmoneans were willing to take on the Greeks when they were so grossly outnumbered. What Mattathias and Judah and all of those crazy Hasmoneans were fighting against was assimilation.

When the Greeks conquered peoples, back in the day, they tended to want to Greekify (or Hellenize) every new corner of the Empire. They wanted their new constituents to speak Greek, take Greek names, busy themselves with Greek pastimes, eat Greek food, and worship Greek gods. For many people that was great, as Greek stuff was considered hot. In fact, many of the Israelites really got into the whole Hellenization trend; they built a gymnasium in Jerusalem and pig started popping up on menus all over town. Mattathias was mortified, nay, livid that his people were abandoning their ways just to fit in with the conquering horde. So, he fought. He fought the Greeks and their insistence that everyone speak and eat and worship and recreate just like them. Now, to be fair, Mattathias had little interest in actual pluralism and freedom of expression. [He really just wanted all of the Israelites to maintain the "old time religion."] Nevertheless, his platform of anti-assimilation becomes the core value of the original story and is exactly what I hope we all take away from Channuka this year.

Throughout this great nation of ours, there has been an expectation of sexual assimilation--that each and every one of us must assimilate to the most simplistic and mild form of procreative sexuality and sexual intercourse. Homosexuality in unacceptable. Multiple partners is uncivilized. BDSM is unfathomable. Our sex lives, our entire concept of sexuality may only be shaped by the puritanical cookie cutter. The conservative religionists have conquered our land; we must assimilate.

No.

As we leave Hannukah 5771 behind, let us stand up to the conquering hordes and say NO to assimilation. We do not all have to be the same. We do not have to speak the same language, worship the same way and love in the same manner. We do not have to be like everyone else, especially in the most intimate corners of our lives. On the contrary, we must be true to our unique selves and break free from the expectations of the sexual oppressors. We must fight assimilation and revel in the diversity of our sexuality.

Happy Chanukka!

I Have a Little Dreidel for Adults

I have a little dreidel, I made it out of gin.
That dreidel wouldn't turn, but the room began to spin.

I have a little dreidel, I made it out of pot
and when it started spinning, I just sat and stared at it a lot.

I had a little dreidel, I made it out of latke.
I left it on the shelf and it turned into vodka.

I have a little dreidel, I made it out of candy.
When he nibbles on it, I start feeling kind of randy.

I have a little dreidel, I spin it till it flips
but later if I'm lucky, I'll trade it in for chains and whips.

I have a little dreidel, I made it out of leather
and when it's done spinning, it will bind her hands together.

I have a little dreidel, it's down here in my pants
And when I spin it properly, you should see my dreidel dance

A Kinky Chanukah to One and All!

Not that any of you need much encouragement from me, but...

8 WAYS TO KINK UP YOUR HANUKKAH

1. Stage your own Maccabees vs Syrians bedroom scene
2. In celebration of the miracle of oil, oil up someone you love
3. Two words: Strip Dreidel
   
4. 10 spanks for every candle
5. Use sufganiyot for your sploshing
6. Wrap yourself up--what better gift can you give?
   
7. How much gelt for a lap dance?
8. And, of course, candle wax, candle wax, candle wax: become a living chanukiyah
   

How To Spell C-H/H/J-A-N/N-N-U/O-O-C-K/-K/K-K-A-H

People ask me all the time how to spell the classic Hebrew name for the Festival of Lights. And I give the same response that I give regarding how to spell any Hebrew word: as long as you are spelling it in English, you are spelling it wrong...sooooooooooo, spell it wrong any way you like!

How do you like to represent that lovely guttural sound? "ch," "h," or, perhaps, the Spanish "j"?
One "n" or two?
One "k," two "k"s, or "ck"?
An "h" at the end or do you prefer to end with the "a"?

I am sure that there are even more options that I have not even considered but you get the gist.

If possible, use actual Hebrew letters: chet, nun, vuv, kof, hey. If Hebrew is not an option, here's the rule I go with: Chanukah should have eight letters--one for each day and each candle.

Therefore, whether you spell it Chanukah, Chanukka, Channuka, Hanukkah, Hannukah, Hannukka, or, even, Janukkah, give it eight letters and it is as right as you are going to get in English!

Candlelight - The Maccabeats - Hanukkah

Kinky Torah: Parashat Mikeitz

Joseph: The Paradigmatic Switch

42:6 And Joseph was the governor over the land; he it was that sold to all the people of the land. And Joseph's brethren came, and bowed down to him with their faces to the earth. 42:7 And Joseph saw his brethren, and he knew them, but made himself strange unto them, and spoke roughly with them...

No character has as much narrative in Genesis as Joseph, not even Abraham; so it should not come as too much of a surprise that we get to see this man in many roles. Nevertheless, it has always amazed me just how easily Joseph transitions from being in shackles to being second in command of all Egypt.

When Joseph is thrown into the pit by his brothers, he is silent. When he is sold into slavery, he is silent. As he wallows in prison, he is silent. There is a classic Jewish tradition that suggests that it is out of Joseph's extreme piety that he is able to silently submit in each of these occasions. He believes so strongly in the divine plan for him, that he can and will endure anything in order to be the instrument that God has ordained him to be. Now I ask you, is this or is this not the way of the true submissive? For the sake of the Masters will/plan/enjoyment, the submissive endures--or even welcomes--all that befalls him or her.

Yet, as we can see from this weeks parasha, as soon as Joseph is given the opportunity to play Dom, he jumps at it. He takes on a domineering Egyptian name, Zaphenet Panei-ach: the one appointed by the god to provide life. He dons the clothing of wealth and power. He marries the daughter of a priestess. He reduces the entire Egyptian populace to a serfdom beholden to Pharaoh, the only man greater than he. And when his brothers arrive, he plays out his ultimate D/s scene; he makes them grovel before him.

Before anyone gets soft on me and brings up how he cries at their reunion; his tears do not fall until after Benjamin comes with the rest of the brothers on their second trip and, even then, not until he sets them all up to see if they will discard little Benny as easily as they discarded him, so many years ago.

On the contrary, as our text clearly states, Joseph has the brothers prostrate themselves before him as he spoke "roughly" to them. At this moment, he steps completely into the roll of the Dominant, eager to bend those before him to submit fully to His will.

Perhaps this is merely Joseph's evolution of power and control: from the depths to the heights, from subjugation to authority, from submissive to Dominant. On the other hand, for any individual to be able to truly embody from one end of the spectrum to the other within a single lifetime, maybe, just maybe this is the ultimate switch.

Finally, what is Joseph's secret to switching? How is it that he can both submit and Dominate fully with absolute surety in his role? 1. Joseph lives in the moment (well, in the moment that was 3500 years ago.) When not confronted by dreams, whether they be his own or others, Joseph accepts the moment before him ordained by God and he rolls with it. 2. Joseph doesn't merely like power and control, he truly understands it. Therefore when it wielded against him, either by God or by his brothers or by Potiphar, he is aware enough to submit to it; yet when power and control are placed squarely in his hands, He is perfectly capable and comfortable wielding it Himself.

And here I had thought switches were merely folks who could not make up their minds!

Adventures of Todd & God: Hanukkah (Ep 1) - MyJewishLearning

Goyim Friends

Perhaps, I Need a Spanking!

I am so sorry for my utter absence the past few weeks (~month). Obviously, I need a bit more discipline in my life. Of course it has not helped that I have been away from my personal computer for a week and a half but could not remember my password on this account to save my life. I know, I know, this is ridiculous...but true. To all of you who have been urging me on at FetLife, thank you, thank you, thank you. It is because of your comments, questions and care that I keep coming back (even when I am completely embarrassed for taking so long!)

So it is time to get back to posting. Before I get to it I have three questions for all of you:
(as always you can comment here or send me your thoughts on FetLife)

1. Should I go back and fill in the missing Kinky Torah Portions or just get on with where we are now?
2. More personal postings or more technical Jewish questions?
3. How should I be punished for my lax blogging and terrible forgetfulness?

I cannot wait to hear your answers. No matter your answers to question #1, I will be addressing Parashat Mikeitz later this week. Plus, I may just consider 8 posts for 8 Days of Chanukah--consider it my gift to all of you!

B'Shalom,
rabbisubmissive

a few words . . .

I set up this blog so that the three of us and like minded individuals would have a space to express our thoughts, desires, belief systems etc. And yet I haven't said much. Let's just say life gets busy. But it doesn't mean I stopped thinking. I think about writing here all the time. I mean lets face it, if I am not thinking about things that need to be done, or a child that needs to be tended to I am pretty much thinking about sex. Isn't everyone? I listen to the radio, I read books, newspapers, magazines, blogs, emails, texts and wonder where the hell our world is headed with all the crazies who wish to keep all the heretics in their place or in pine boxes per their preferences. So really there are days where I believe most Holy (Wholly full of holes) writings have done us a great disservice by directing our society in a male dominated protestation of all things tribal and alternative.  Jacob had four women with which to create the 12 tribes of Israel. When Rachel or Leah at different times told him to do his thing with Bilhah and Zilpah he didn't argue. He didn't worry about what his neighbors might think. He didn't ask for advice from his father-in-law, Laban. He did what comes natural and had sex with them in order to please his wives and create more children per their demands.While I believe Jacob was just another dysfunctional role model who didn't understand the damage wrought upon him by his own parents until he was on his death bed I also believe he did what was necessary to enjoy his life and create a family many of us are still part of to this day.

If monogamy were so great wouldn't a majority of marriages work?

I have too many friends that have either gone through painful divorces or are presently headed towards painful divorces. We live in a society where the majority of partners have no idea how to communicate with each other about their dreams, wants, desires and sexual fantasies. Many don't even know how to express their sexual desires to themselves. I seek communication, exploration, actualization and realization to open my mind and body to their fullest potential and to attempt to bring my message of sex, sexuality, acceptance and tolerance into the world and into this space.   

Kinky Torah: Parashat B'reishit

^2:15 The Eternal God took HaAdam and placed him in the garden of Eden, to till it and tend it. ^2:16 And the Eternal God commanded HaAdam, saying, "Of every tree of the garden you are free to eat; ^2:17 but as for the tree of knowledge of good and bad, you must not eat of it; for as soon as you eat of it, you shall die." ^3:1 Now the serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild beasts that the Eternal God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say: You shall not eat of any tree of the garden?" ^3:2 The woman replied to the serpent, "We may eat of the fruit of the other trees of the garden. ^3:3 It is only about fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden that God said: 'You shall not eat of it or touch it, lest you die.'" ^3:4 And the serpent said to the woman, "You are not going to die, ^3:5 but God knows that as soon as you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you will be like divine beings who know good and bad." ^3:6 When the woman saw that the tree was good for eating and a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable as a source of wisdom, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave some to her husband, and he ate. ^3:7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they perceived that they were naked; and they sewed together fig leaves and made themselves loincloths.

Genesis 2:15-17, 3:1-7

When God first commands HaAdam not to eat of the Tree of Knowledge, God says nothing about touching it. According to Eve, when the command is related to her, she may not eat or touch the Tree. This gives the serpent a perfect in. All he has to do is get Eve to touch the Tree. Since, touching the Tree is not destined to kill her, once she touches it and lives the seeds of possibility are planted. Once she begins seeing possibilities, it almost doesn't matter if she eats from the Tree. She has already experimented. She has already tried something taboo. She has already begun thinking beyond the norm. And she has determined this Tree, this act of digression from what was expected of her, to be good, delightful, desirable.

Doesn't this sound a lot like the average person's experience with kink?

So much of the vanilla world tells us not to taste, not even to touch--in fact, you know what, don't even look at kink--don't even think about anything beyond the missionary pale. But what happens when we meet someone who tempts us with the possibility of having our eyes opened to all kinds of sexual expression? Such "serpents" ask us if it's really so off the wall to leave the lights on. Of course once we bring sex into the light, the seeds of possibility become planted within our sexual appetites. We start considering the many possibilities and all of the sudden we are craving...apples!

Let it be known that in Jewish tradition, this moment in "history" is considered inevitable, appropriate and even necessary. We were meant to eat of the fruit so that our eyes would be opened. We were meant to have knowledge of good and evil. We were meant to leave the garden so that we could truly experience the world.

Which also means, we were meant to have a sense of nakedness.

The serpent was not a minion of the devil. On the contrary, if not for the serpents in our lives, the ones who come along and tempt us to experiment, try something taboo, to think beyond the norm, we would be stuck in some vanilla world completely blind to all of the spicy possibilities.

So, go ahead, listen to the serpent and taste the apple and open your eyes to all of the kinky possibilities around you!

Yes, I'm still here

So, I started a new job, and I've been thinking a lot, but haven't gotten around to posting. It's not that I haven't thought about it, I just haven't gotten around to actually getting something down in writing that I'm ready to share.

Here's the major question I'm struggling with. I'd love to hear some thoughts as I'm getting through my own ideas. In teaching teens about sexuality and helping them form a healthy sexual identity and make good choices, how do I balance cultural norms with kink? Knowing that I'm submissive, how do I take that into account when teaching girls how to assert themselves? Knowing I like some pain, how do I phrase messages that are very much anti-abuse? How do I teach about thinking through these ideas openly, while not overtly teaching kids about kink? A lot of those thoughts in my mind these days...

I have some answers. But I'd also love to hear yours.

Kinky Torah: Parashat Noach

Noah began to be a master of the earth, and he planted a vineyard. And he drank of the wine and became drunk, and he uncovered himself within his tent.

Genesis 9:20-21

According to the Torah, Noah becomes the first man to cultivate grapes for the magical substance we call wine. Unfortunately, he has no idea of the potency of alcohol and gets drunk. In his drunken state, he then becomes the first flasher in recorded history, perhaps even the first masturbator of note. Most people have found alcohol to lower their inhibitions. Have enough wine, beer, scotch, whiskey, vodka (my personal favorite) and you, too, may find yourself "uncovering" your nakedness for all.

What I find really interesting is how this relates to what comes next:
And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father's nakedness, and he told his two brothers outside. ...And Noah awoke from his wine, and he knew what his small son had done to him. And he said, "Cursed be Canaan; he shall be a slave among slaves to his brethren."

Genesis 9:22, 24-25

There are a lot of theories as to what Ham does that deserves being cursed. Some say that he castrated Noah. Others say he sodomized him. Many accept the text for what it says, Ham saw his father in all of his nakedness and proceeded to tell the world, as they knew it. [Knowing the Torah, his curse could just as easily be a punishment for gossiping--Miriam & leprosy, anyone!]

Honestly, I don't necessarily care about Ham and his curse. When reading this, I cannot help noticing that while Ham gets the shaft for, well, seeing his dad's shaft, Noah is not punished at all. Noah invents liquor. Noah gets drunk. Noah exposes himself. One would think that any of these things could incur the wrath of our tradition! On the contrary, Noah has a long life after the flood and is held up by our tradition as someone who was able to rise above the evils of his community.

So, what if alcohol was not so bad after all? Maybe it is ok to get drunk sometimes. (I have got one word for you: Purim.) But more importantly than all of that--because we know that Judaism is ok with alcohol in moderation and even with getting drunk, sometimes--what if this story tells us that it is ok to be lewd. It is ok to uncover our nakedness. It may even be ok to masturbate ;)

Noah is never hand slapped for what he does because there is nothing wrong with what he does. There is nothing wrong with getting a little bit crazy. There is nothing wrong with enjoying our own bodies. In fact, one could argue that the only bad move here was Ham telling everyone about it behind Noah's back.

In honor of Noah, go have a drink. You may even want to splurge a bit and get a bit tipsy. No matter how much you decide to imbibe, this shabbat, take some time to uncover your own nakedness. Enjoy your body--there's no curse in that!

Shabbat Shalom!

Thank Gd the HHD's and Fall Festivals are Finally Over!

Is it terrible of me to be thanking Gd that Mar Cheshvan is almost here?

Thursday evening, as it was nearly time for Simchat Torah services, I was praying that no one would show up so that I could be done already. In the end, we had a nice group together for dancing with the Torah and I made it through the evening no problem. Nevertheless, I could not help having such naughty naughty thoughts.

I need discipline.

Not in the euphemistic fantastical sort of way complete with stern head masters or angry school marms, (of course, I wouldn't mind a bit of that kind of discipline either!) but for real--I am a very undisciplined woman. I have almost no sense of discipline which is one of the reasons why I love both Judaism and BDSM. Both are steeped in ritual and, therefore, both offer loosy goosy folk, such as myself, the possibility of discipline.

Here's seeing if in the intersection of these two passions of mine, I can find discipline...to write regularly!

Turn us to You, Adonai, and we will return. renew our days as of old.

S'lichot was tonight.

Throughout Elul, the month leading up to the High Holy Days, I tend to feel the impending doom of Judgment, but never more so than between S'lichot and Rosh HaShanah. Once S'lichot services are over, I know that I have very little time left to finish my sermons and make sure that I have all of my ducks in a row for services--is my robe clean? Where is my shofar? Do all of my Torah readers have their tikkun pages? I can feel the pit in my stomach growing larger and heavier with every fear and worry and anxiety.

Of course, it is the Yamim Nora'im, the Days of Awe, and awe was never meant to be comfortable!

So, I have been using the same text for S'lichot services with my community for the past three (or maybe even four) years now; yet every year new texts speak to me and teach me something about who I am, where I am and why. This year, this was the text that captured my mind and soul:

Do not despair.
You are bigger than any of your sins and then all of them.
Rise, for though you have suffered setback and hurt, you are not defeated.
You possess the resources for triumph.
God does not despair of you.
You need not despair of yourself.

Rabbi Morris Adler, 20th Century

As we enter into this season of T'shuvah: return, repentance and renewal, may we all know that each and every one of us possesses the resources for triumph. We are not defeated. We do not need to despair. May we all be written in the Book of Life for good, for peace, and for blessing.

Shanah Tovah Tikateivu!

Kinky Torah

This shabbat we will be reading from Ki Tavo.

So, I was studying the parashah earlier today and could not help but notice the following verses:

Deuteronomy 28:47 you did not serve the LORD your God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, by reason of the abundance of all things; 48 therefore you will serve your enemy whom the LORD will send against you, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things; and he will put a yoke of iron upon your neck, until he has destroyed you.

It got me thinking about the idea of servitude. According to Jewish tradition, people are meant to serve. When we were freed from Egyptian slavery it was not to be completely free; rather, Adonai brought us out of Egyptian bondage so that we could serve Adonai. We cannot truly worship God if we are being forced to worship a human master.

But...

What if we choose servitude to another human as well as to God? Can we adequately serve two masters? Do I have to choose between my Dom and Adonai?

First of all, let me say that, being the sub that I am, I love the idea that the human psyche was divinely built for servitude! I am sure that many of you Doms and Dommes out there may disagree, nevertheless, it resonates for me!

More importantly, I do believe that I can serve God with true respect and devotion while serving a Dom if for no other reason than this:

Genesis 1:27 And God created human in His own image, in the image of God created He him; male and female created He them.

I truly believe that each and every one of us is created in the image of God; in the worship of another human being, I can serve God. My intention in submission, in worship, is to be as true to the image of God within myself as I am capable. Through serving, submitting, worshiping another, I am able to support the image of God in him. Through this voluntary, intentional act of submission, I serve God as I serve my Dom.

*ssr & I are thinking about starting a weekly kinky parashat hashavua. Would any one out there be interested in something like that? Let me know.
Just for the record, we would not start it until after Simchat Torah :)

To B'shert or Not To B'shert?

Sure the title is cliche but recently I was asked how far would I be willing to go for my b'shert. To be fair, I was being asked a straight geographical question, still I could not help wonder, how far would/should we go for our b'shert?

When I was in my late twenties, I finally found myself in a relationship in which I was able to be wholly myself. After many years of dating, it was the first time I did not feel like I had to hide my "quirkiness". [read: crazy!] Let's be honest, we all have our own form of crazy; the question is how do we balance our crazy with someone else s crazy. Well for years I did what most young ladies do, I tried to hide my crazy the best I could. I figured if I hid it well enough, he would stick around.

Oddly enough, that didn't really work.

I even dated one man who pursued me precisely for my crazy; so when I stifled it, he lost interest completely. Looking back on that time, I can hardly blame him.

We are not complete people without our fire, our quirks, even our negatives. We are no fun without a little bit of crazy. And, come on, no one wants to be in a relationship with perfect and dull!

Right now, we are in the middle of the month of Elul~~the month before the High Holy Days when we prepare ourselves for standing before God. Throughout this month we are charged with looking deep into our souls. We are to consider all of the sins we have committed, all of the negatives and crazies we do not want to bring into the new year. Well, this year, I say:

Find those sins and negatives and crazies!

Find them all, BUT do not dismiss them so quickly.

We are not meant to be perfect. Shoot, perfect is boring and annoying. We are not meant to be completely cleansed of our sins and negatives and crazies. Rather, the trick is to find others who appreciate our crazy--or at least can handle our crazy.

And so I say, do not be afraid to travel across the globe for your b'shert, but do not change who you are. Do not suppress your crazy. If you cannot be wholly yourself, how can that person really be your b'shert?

Shavua Tov!

According to tradition, we are given an extra soul on Shabbat but as we say goodbye to Shabbat and that extra soul, we are reminded that most of the time, we are sensual, physical beings. Think about it--the ritual of havdalah is built to reawaken each of our senses--we taste the wine, smell the spices, see the flame; we hear the prayers and touch each of the objects that carry us through the ritual itself. We may not have that second soul throughout the week but we do have our mouths and nose and eyes and ears and hands.

Ideally, a healthy sexual ethic includes reveling in all of our senses. Religionists often get excited over soulful thoughts. Don't get me wrong, we certainly need to be more connected to our spiritual side. Nevertheless, havdalah gives us a weekly reminder that our physical reality is sacred in its own right.

Let's be honest, today's American culture does not put a premium on how our five senses take in the world. Sure, we are obsessed with what we see and often with what we taste; but how often do we really consider how something feels or sounds. Plus, do we really give our noses the respect they deserve? Pheromones are not getting the play these days that they should!

Drink the wine and let your taste buds rejoice.
Smell the spices and allow the pleasant fragrance of the world inspire you.
Touch the kiddush cup, the spice box, the candle and appreciate the feel of the hard and the soft.
See the fire and open your eyes to the diverse beauty all around.
Hear the blessings of havdalah and hear the blessings of life.

Today marked the biblical holiday of Tu b'Av, the Jewish Lovers' Day. I am on a campaign to bring this joyous holiday back to the Jewish world. Luckily I am not alone, Israeli society has been embracing Tu b'Av more and more over the past decade and recently Jewish groups in America have been promoting Tu b'Av as perfect day for singles events.

As an ardent advocate for love, I want to see Tu b'Av become one of the most popular holidays throughout the Jewish year. But the lesson of this day is so much more than merely one of love. The Talmudic reference that introduces us to Tu b'Av compares this day of love to Yom Kippur, saying that throughout the year these were the two favorite holidays of all the Israelites.

Comparing Jewish Lovers' Day to the Day of Atonement got me thinking, are there any commonalities between love and atonement? Well, as an ardent advocate for BDSM, this was kind of easy. I have always felt the ascetic rituals of Yom Kippur to be spiritually compelling. Fasting, beating my chest, diminishing comfort, even refraining from romance--all of these ascetic behaviors heighten the intensity of guilt and atonement. I have found ascetics to heighten my experience of love as well. While fasting may not do much for me, romantically, beating, discomfort, forced refrain--each of these have played a role in my love. The kinky Jew inheresntly understands the deep connection between love and atonement and therefore between Tu b'Av and Yom Kippur. The kinky Jew also understands how it is that these two days were in fat the happiest of all the year back in the day.

And so, during these two months between Tu b'Av & Yom Kippur, let us all allow our love from this day the opportunity to mature and purify under the encouragement of the ascetics of our tradition.

A Polyamorous Ketubah?

I was talking to a friend about my polyamory post (next time, girl, can't you comment here!), and she asked a great question:

What would a polyamorous ketubah look like?

Obviously "k'dat Moshe v'Yisrael" would have to be modified but would the ketubah simply allow for further ketubot? Or perhaps it would have space to add more partners along the way.

What do you think? How could a ketubah be worded to support open relationships?

Getting my language geek on

So...you should all know, I'm a complete language and grammar geek. Hebrew...English...doesn't matter. I love it.

So, I was recently pondering...if BDSM were a Hebrew shoresh (Bet, Dalet, Samech, Mem), and then made into a verb, would it be piel or hitpael?

Since those are the 2 binyanim that can have a 4 letter root, they're the options.

I mean...l'badsem sounds nice....and it is, in some ways, active. I like the idea of it being an active verb for anyone taking part. But l'hitbadsem I prefer...reflexive seems to work better, ideologically...

On the other hand, Bidsum sounds better than hitbadsum as a gerund.

Thoughts?

Is Polyamory Adultery?

Recently, I was asked about how Gd feels about polygyny and pilegesh. I have been thinking about adultery a lot lately and this question really stirred me. Answering this man was relatively easy as he was asking about two ideas that are steeped in legal status. As the reality of U.S. law is that multiple marriage is illegal AND that Talmud is very clear regarding dinah d'malchuta dinah (the law of the land IS the law), I had no problem telling this man to forget about polygyny and even pilegesh. [Regarding pilegesh, in nearly all cultures concubinage has been considered a non-marital relationship with legal status. Although U.S. law does not address concubinage directly, I argue that the legal benefits of concubinage would in America suggest polygyny and therefore also be illegal.]

So, ok, multiple marriage is illegal--don't do it. But what about having a mistress? Or multiple partners while being married? What about being in love with multiple people while being married? What about polyamory? What exactly is or is not adultery?

According to the Torah, adultery is a sexual relationship between a married woman and a man other than her husband. Both marriage and adultery were originally an issue of wombs. Which would explain why only the woman's marital status was at issue. A proper woman's womb must be preserved for one man only so that there are no questions regarding paternity and inheritance. Adultery is not the only possibility for immoral sexual relationship, even in the Torah: incest, rape, sleeping with heathens or menstruants. The rabbis even add the married man having sex with a woman who is not his wife to the list (well, at least taking a second wife.) As you may have noticed, traditionally sex was at the center of adultery. But when we look up adultery in the thesaurus we find unfaithful, infidelity, cheating--all words having to do less with sex and more with lying and deceit.

So, recently I asked a number of my rabbi friends, with whom I meet regularly, how they define adultery in today's world. [I had not talked kink with most of them but a couple of months earlier one of them had brought up the question of polyamory and kiddushin so it was perfectly reasonable for me to assume their opinions would take into consideration the reality of today's world.] Even after I stressed the technical definition spelled out by the Torah, they still all agreed that adultery comes down to immoral or inappropriate sexual relationships--legal definitions be damned!

Polyamory, when truly agreed upon by all relevant partners, is not cheating. It is not infidelity. It is not being unfaithful--as faith has not been broken. Even open relationships that are not based in a philosophy of love can still be free from lying and deceit and, therefore, can still be moral and appropriate. Ultimately, the third commandment--thou shalt not take the Eternal's name for a vow in vain--is so much more important than preserving a traditional concept of sexual monogamy. Faithfulness comes down to honesty not sex.

The man who asked me about polygyny asked about Gd's view of the whole thing. I told him that as long as he is lying to or hurting his wife, Gd would not approve.

I have been in relationships with married or significantly othered men but I do not break one of my most basic rules: I am not and will not be a dirty little secret. Do not get me wrong, I have been tempted--oh, have I been tempted! Nevertheless, I have too much respect for myself as well as for the sanctity of marriage vows to be an instrument for deceit.

Open relationships do have to be steeped in lies and deceit. Polyamory does not have to be adultery. On the contrary, infinite, multiple love can be based in faith and fidelity.

Nature vs. Nurture: The Personal Saga

Recently I told a close friend of mine about my proclivities. At first she simply listened with intrigue in her voice, but a few days later she called me up--she was worried about me. She was worried that I could be putting myself in danger; she was worried that I was unhealthy in my desires. She wanted to know why I felt a need to be submissive--why I enjoyed being pushed to my limits. She wanted to know if there was anything in my past, my childhood, that could be the source of my kinks.

I loved the fact that she asked me tons of questions and pushed me to explain myself. I love the fact that she made me think about the origins of my personality. I love the fact that she gave me a venue to talk about what I had been thinking about for a while:

Nothing made me this way,
I have always been submissive
I have always enjoyed aggressive romance.

When I was a child one of my teddy bears dominated one of my other bears into sex. I had fantasies of being forced to have sex from the time I had any notion towards sex. Throughout high school, I was thought of as a good girl, but in truth I could be cajoled to do almost anything...almost--as long as a boy had an aura of command about him. As soon as I became romantic with a boy, I would become exceedingly demure. My friends and I loved to play with handcuffs and once I found myself cuffed to my boyfriends bed just as the rest of our friends were clearing out. I cannot even begin to describe how disappointed I was when he uncuffed me.

Then, a handful of years ago I had a boyfriend who gave me a wee swat on the bum while we were fooling around. I gasped in an over dramatic way and he loved it. And I loved the fact that he loved it. It never went any further than that but it certainly planted a seed within me. I asked my next boyfriend if he would spank me. He said no. And then I was with a man who was a dirty, dirty boy--it both scared and titillated me. And yet another dirty, dirty boy--this one very dominant. I was entranced by his demeanor and the excitement of it all. That summer I moved, but before I did, I bought a book of spanking stories. Randomly, I opened the book to a story about a woman who was utterly beaten while hanging on a St. Andrew's cross. When I had finished the story my first reaction was, "Wow! I don;t think I could ever take that. I am so impressed." Sure, it occurred to me that most people would have found the story upsettingly violent--I found it to be something to strive for.

I have since had the opportunity to play with a few people. I currently have two amazing partners, including Spiritually Playful. I have had my limits pushed to places I never thought possible. I have been blessed with chances to truly bask in sub-space.

And I have come to see that nothing made me this way. I have always been submissive. I have always fantasized about aggressive romance.

Yes, I said Rabbi

Since rabbinical school, I've gotten very used to the variety of responses that one gives to me sharing my career. I admit, I sometimes lie--especially when in settings where I just don't feel like chatting--like airplanes...I'm not a chatty flier...if you ask me a question, I'm not going to answer with something that's going to lead to more conversation. And, yes, "I'm a rabbi," almost always leads to a follow up conversation.

Sometimes, I like to think of it as a bar game. Like, if I'm at a bar or a party..."Hey--I bet you can't guess what I do for a living." I've never lost that game.

It's often a matter of the other person listing any and all personal connection to Judaism (from, oh--I met a Jew once...to, oh, I hated Hebrew School...to, I'm on my Temple Board...to, all sorts of other options). But it's always a conversation.

At any rate, in terms of dating, it's often a conversation ender. Rabbi is just not a sexy career. And many men (not making generalizations, but it's true) aren't so at peace with a strong, smart woman in a career with a good deal of power, especially power that's connected to intellect and knowledge.

Until I've entered the realm of BDSM. Suddenly, my career is sexy. As one Dom it didn't work out with said, "I love that you're a rabbi. It's just so...well...wrong." I love that.

A relative of mine once commented that I became a rabbi because it was the one career where my parents couldn't possibly not approve. Perhaps I've actively begun to pursue my submissiveness because it's the one realm where my chosen career is actually a turn on.

The Jewess: Sexually Repressed or Sexually Charged?

Throughout the ages, Jewish women have been the focus of many a sexual fantasy. As early as the Book of Esther, it is the Jewish girl who gets the kings attention for her ravaging beauty and intimate skills. In the Talmud, the rabbis are obsessed with the sexual appetite and sexual potency of Jewish women. In fact, they do everything they can think of to encourage Jewish men to “service” their wives as often as possible so that their wives’ longings do not get the better of them.

The Third Reich portrayed Jewish women as lascivious; much like the rabbis of the Talmud, the Nazis cautioned the Germans to beware the Jewish woman’s sexual appetite. The picture is an example of the Nazi propaganda regarding Jewish women. The text at the side of the picture says: "This puzzle-broadsheet was destined for the French soldiers in the bunkers of the Maginot-line. The German propaganda assumed that the curiosity of the soldiers would become bigger if they had to look for the different pieces at first. Once put together the pieces made up one of the most astute agitational pictures of the ‘paper war’: The demure English virgin, ‘Times’ gets a knowing reply from the mirror by the sluttish whore, ‘Semit[e]’.

At the same time we have been portrayed as repressed, repelled by sex, and downright frigid. Marcy Sheiner, in her introduction to The Oy of Sex, offers a joke that really brings the idea of this oxymoronic way of thinking about the Jewish woman’s sexuality:

"Q: How do you get a Jewish girl to stop fucking?
A: You marry her.
This, one of my all-time favorite jokes, first heard as an adolescent, can be interpreted several ways. On the surface, it says that Jewish women only "put out" to get the brass, or gold, ring. On the other hand, it tells us, frankly, that Jewish girls like to fuck. Unburdened by the Christian admonishments against carnal pleasure, the Jewish girl is more likely to rejoice in her sensuality. This is, of course, a positive identity, one we can at last proudly claim. On the other hand, it feeds the stereotype of the Jewish girl as slutty."

Last week I talked about how the entire nature of Jewish thought leads to a religion that is simply more sex positive. Well, in turn, Judaism has the potential for producing women who are more sex positive. It helps that, even if it hasn’t always been for good, we have been encouraged to think of ourselves as sexually carnivorous creatures!

I can make all of the obvious statements about how every woman is different and some Jewish women love sex and some hate it; some Jewish women are kinky and some as vanilla as extract! But I have been in many a conversation with many a man who has been with both Jewish and non-Jewish women and they seem to have a very particular impression of Jewish women: we like sex.

I, in all my Jewess-ness, love sex.

In the words of a close friend of mine who insists that he had slept with enough Jewish girls to know that, “Jewish girls take it up the ass.”

Freedom of mind, body, soul . . .

I began my attempt to be well read starting when I was ten. At summer camp we traded a copy of a sexy book back and forth, chapter by chapter, top bunk to bottom bunk and back. I was hypnotized by the relationship dynamics as much as by the sexual experience and conversations. By eleven the beginning of my education and my life long pursuit of all knowledge concerning relationship dynamics was complete (not!). I found a copy of Robert Rimmer's The Harrad Experiment! I found it liberating at eleven to think that multiple couples could bond, maintain multiple, open, long-term relationships and create a tribal house in which all members contributed to the household and relationship responsibilities. Sure it is Utopian and from the 70s, thus only dealing with the heterosexual aspect of relationships. But for me it provided hope for the advancement of the human spirit, human desires, and human sexuality. It is impossible to say I've read everything, but I've certainly read as much about relationships and sex as I could possible get my hands on and my mind wrapped around. It allowed me to believe that there was always more that I could learn and always someone who might be able to teach me. At some point I saw the movie 9 1/2 weeks and was mesmerized by the images it showed and the power exchange within the relationship. Again there are things to love and things to hate about this film, but the images advanced my knowledge of the potential for my inner desires. Later I watched Sex, Lies and Video Tape and The Secretary which also helped to provide images I longed to see and illustrate the desires I longed to fulfill.


Later, a partner of mine gifted me with two books that would change my life. Exit to Eden by Anne Rice as Anne Rampling and The Story of O by Pauline Reage. These books are both great and awful. I both love and hate aspects of each of these books. But beyond that they began to open another aspect of my inner desires. I desire to tie a partner up with her consent, a desire to be completely in control. Some years passed as I continued reading and understanding my inner desires.

A few years later, at almost thirty, I took my own life in hand the moment I felt free enough to purchase my first pair of leather bondage cuffs and Laura Antoniou's (still as Sara Adamson back then) first three Market Place novels. That summer, standing in the middle of the Boston Leather Flea Market, I felt the shackles of my fears and reservations fall from my mind and psyche. I still only had three people who knew of my dominant tendencies, two who let me actually bind them to a bed, but I had hopes for more adventures as I continued to explore my own relationship boundaries in my search for partners with similar desires.

At this time, while I was exploring my wild side, I was also a few years away from becoming a rabbi. I wasn't sure a loving partner existed who would accept and share both my inner desires and my belief in open relationships. I wasn't involved in any scene and didn't know enough people who lived like I wanted to live. And I was positive that my lifestyle couldn't, wouldn't mesh with my desire to be the best rabbi I could become. But as much as I wanted to be a great rabbi is as much as I wanted to be a great Dom in multiple, long term relationships with partners I respected and loved who enjoyed having me tie them up and fulfill a long list of both of our desires.

Fast forward ten years. I have a primary loving partner who enjoys being bound to a bed and spanked once in a while who supports me in all I am and all I do. I have three very different partners I love who all come to me for my skills with ropes, cuffs, floggers and other fascinating toys and devices. One of them I have been with only one year less than I've been with my primary partner. I also happen to be an amazing rabbi, with an amazing job.

A few springs ago, a best friend, colleague and one of my current partners began a conversation that changed both our lives. She told me that she thinks she loves being tied up and being at the will of a strong, dominant partner. "Funny thing," I say. "I happen to love tying people up and fulfilling their desires and mine in a consensual safe environment." (The funnier part of this is that she says to me this year "I knew ten years ago you liked tying people up. I found your cuffs once under your bed." What she was doing looking under my bed is an EVEN LONGER story!).
Our friendship and relationship blossomed until we were talking this year, after an amazing scene together, about writing with a third like-minded friend from our perspectives as both rabbis and sexual beings active in the BDSM lifestyle. We figured that based on the number of rabbis we had already discovered who were into the scene that there had to be even more rabbis we didn't know about with no voice who think they are alone in their desires and calling.

This is the short of my story. It isn't every detail, but it is enough of them. I am a very spiritual and sexual person. I always have been and always will be. I love who I am and who I become each day. I love my family, I love my partners and I love being a rabbi. I think my greater understanding of love, relationships (especially open relationships) and sex gives me a healthy head start in helping couples and families as they deal with their own relationship issues or prepare for their life together in marriage.

I hope my words here help build a stronger Jewish community and a stronger bond(age) to its sexual identity. I also hope the three of us create a greater understanding of the fact that we aren't alone in our calling as rabbis who desire to push their sexual lives as far as they can go in healthy, safe and consensual environments and experiences.
Cain yehi ratzon - May this be God's will,
1LeatherRabbi@gmail.com

Who Am I?

I recently got a friend request from an Israeli Dom on Fet, with this account name (I have another account there as well, but I prefer to keep the identities separate). I accepted, friendly type that I am. He asked me some questions about myself and requested that I, "Put a pic in your profile that you think represents you ."

Ever so obedient, I went to google to find the right image. And realized that I had no idea what kind of image to even search for. So, I put it out to you. What kind of image says, "Sassy Sub Rabbi" to you? I mean, if you don't know me, that might be hard...and I our blog is still new enough that you don't have that much insight into my personality...but I'm curious to hear what you think. If you were a female, submissive, liberal rabbi, what kind of image would you use to express yourself?

Judaism & Carnal Pleasure

I am a huge fan of FetLife.

Not only is it a great (free) place for pictures and stories, but the discussion boards are varied and interesting and offer a real opportunity for creating true online community by allowing us to engage with one another's mind. Through these discussions, we can share our histories, our passions, our fears, our annoyances, and our questions.

So, I was browsing some of my groups the other day and I came across a question that tickled me. In San Francisco/Bay Area Kinky Jews, theiconoclast asks:

I have noticed that Jewish women are generally sensual and very open-minded when it comes to sex. Is it because the faith is supportive of carnal pleasures?

As this is an excellent question, I thought it may be useful to answer it here in two parts! I actually see two questions here, and I shall tackle the second one first, today: is Judaism supportive of carnal pleasures?

Judaism is often given the credit of having a very open sexual ethic and in truth, Jewish tradition has always had a much more positive attitude towards the body and the needs of the body than Christianity. Unlike Christianity, we are not bogged down by the concept of original sin and we have a clear understanding that just as the body comes from God and is therefore sacred and good the needs of the body come from God and, therefore, have the potential, for being sacred and good. But, in my opinion, what truly makes Judaism more supportive of "carnal pleasures" has nothing to do with sex, per se. Judaism, at its very core, is a tradition based on shades of gray—a multiplicity of opinions.

Unless a matter is clearly elucidated in Torah, no one opinion should be considered absolute. In the Talmud there are rabbis who, clearly, have body issues, believe that women are inherently sinful, and are afraid of sex. (Sounds a lot like some of the early Church fathers, no?) BUT—and here’s where the whole multiplicity thing makes for great religion!—also in the Talmud are discussions about how the woman should orgasm first, that pre-married women should use birth control, and how we are free to have sex any way we want (just as long as seed isn’t spilled). Because Judaism, traditionally, shies away from absolutes, it is very difficult for one authority to come in and paint any one issue as dark and evil, even sex.

It helps that the most of the Talmudic rabbis seemed to have had a great appreciation for sex!

Next time: why Jewish Girls, in particular rock!

Just How Hard Wired are We?

At what point does a person know that he is submissive? or Dominant? At what point does a person know that she likes to be tied up? or likes to spank bad boys and girls? Are sexual proclivities hard wired into us or do we learn them from our parents, siblings, friends, lovers? Is BDSM nature or nurture?

On the one hand, there are so many fetishes that, by their very nature, must be the product of nurture, such as electro shock based fetishes, Hello Kitty fetishes, or car fetishes--none of these could have existed until such time as we invented (or in the case of electricity, harnessed) them. In the scope of human existence, they are flashes in the pan--and flashes do not imprint themselves upon our DNA...our psyche, absolutely, but not our very genome.

So, while the particulars of a fetish may rely on the world/culture/family we grow up in, what about the archetype of the fetish? Could a person, theoretically, have an inherent fetish for shock type stimuli, totems, or big powerful inanimate objects--things that have always been present throughout human existence? Could a person be born submissive? Dominant? Masochistic? Sadistic? Could a person have in hers or his genetic make-up a need to serve? A need to portray an animal? A need to humiliate another?

As is generally true of any nature vs. nurture argument, I imagine the answer will be neither one nor the other, but rather...both.

We come into this world with aspects of our dispositions already hard wired; I, for example, failed my first Apgar test because, no matter what the doctor did to me, I didn't cry (anyone here see a future stubborn masochist?) Nevertheless, how my hard wired disposition blossomed into the happy sub who writes this today has everything to do with how I have been nurtured, for better or for worse, throughout my life.

So, why this question right now? I have a teenage kid who I am watching express her overwhelming desire to be dominated (sans any of the language of the BDSM culture). I cannot help but wonder is this desire imprinted upon her DNA or is it the result of events in her life that have left her feeling distrustful of her own ability to make decisions?

Once I opened my eyes to my true self, I knew that so much of this had been with me from the very beginning. But is that necessarily true for everyone else?

What about your fetish, nature or nurture?

Power to the people?

Well, I thought my first post would be a general introduction kind of deal, but circumstances of the past couple of days have given me the need to write about something else. Power.

I've often taught about Judaism's differing models of power: Moses and Miriam in particular. Look at Song of the Sea. Looking at the Hebrew, Moses starts the song off in the masculine singular...he sings, people follow. Miriam, on the other hand, leads the song in the plural, leading from within. And such it is with the D/s power dynamic, to an extent. The Dom leads--we subs follow by our nature. But let's not underestimate the power of Miriam...in this dynamic, the power of the sub.

I'm not talking about "topping from the bottom." That's not what this is about. But, at the same time, we do have a great power to determine how we move forward. Or don't. We know what we need the song to be...and if the melody isn't working then, well, we have the power to walk away.

But just like Moses' song only works if the people answer, the Dom only has power if the submissive, well, submits. If a masochist doesn't respond to the pain that a sadist gives (or at least accept the pain), then have the sadist's desires and needs really been met? If we don't answer the call, then there's nothing. The power vanishes.

Miriam's style isn't an easy leadership position (in general, or especially in particular in the D/s realm). But it's part of what all of this is about. And it's necessary. Let's not forget that these relationships (for lack of a better word) aren't about one partner or the other having all the power...it's more about transferring authority. And figuring out how to make that work.

Me, I'm still figuring out how it all works to its greatest potential.

YouTube - Whats my perversion

I take it back. We aren't the first rabbis to go public with our BDSM fantasies:

I had completely forgotten about Rabbi Chaim Baum from Woody Allen's movie, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex*
*but were afraid to ask

YouTube - Whats my perversion

B'ruchim HaBa'im!!!

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An introduction . . .

After ten years of personal and sexual soul searching two friends and I discovered that we had a lot more in common than just our profession. So after some discussions we decided to create this blog to create a safe space for us, and those like us, to write, discuss, describe our lives and how we choose to live them in a healthy and loving manner with a bit of leather and a lot of healthy bondage thrown in for fun. We hope you join on this adventure in words.

1Leatherrabbi@gmail.com