Today marked the biblical holiday of Tu b'Av, the Jewish Lovers' Day. I am on a campaign to bring this joyous holiday back to the Jewish world. Luckily I am not alone, Israeli society has been embracing Tu b'Av more and more over the past decade and recently Jewish groups in America have been promoting Tu b'Av as perfect day for singles events.

As an ardent advocate for love, I want to see Tu b'Av become one of the most popular holidays throughout the Jewish year. But the lesson of this day is so much more than merely one of love. The Talmudic reference that introduces us to Tu b'Av compares this day of love to Yom Kippur, saying that throughout the year these were the two favorite holidays of all the Israelites.

Comparing Jewish Lovers' Day to the Day of Atonement got me thinking, are there any commonalities between love and atonement? Well, as an ardent advocate for BDSM, this was kind of easy. I have always felt the ascetic rituals of Yom Kippur to be spiritually compelling. Fasting, beating my chest, diminishing comfort, even refraining from romance--all of these ascetic behaviors heighten the intensity of guilt and atonement. I have found ascetics to heighten my experience of love as well. While fasting may not do much for me, romantically, beating, discomfort, forced refrain--each of these have played a role in my love. The kinky Jew inheresntly understands the deep connection between love and atonement and therefore between Tu b'Av and Yom Kippur. The kinky Jew also understands how it is that these two days were in fat the happiest of all the year back in the day.

And so, during these two months between Tu b'Av & Yom Kippur, let us all allow our love from this day the opportunity to mature and purify under the encouragement of the ascetics of our tradition.

Is Polyamory Adultery?

Recently, I was asked about how Gd feels about polygyny and pilegesh. I have been thinking about adultery a lot lately and this question really stirred me. Answering this man was relatively easy as he was asking about two ideas that are steeped in legal status. As the reality of U.S. law is that multiple marriage is illegal AND that Talmud is very clear regarding dinah d'malchuta dinah (the law of the land IS the law), I had no problem telling this man to forget about polygyny and even pilegesh. [Regarding pilegesh, in nearly all cultures concubinage has been considered a non-marital relationship with legal status. Although U.S. law does not address concubinage directly, I argue that the legal benefits of concubinage would in America suggest polygyny and therefore also be illegal.]

So, ok, multiple marriage is illegal--don't do it. But what about having a mistress? Or multiple partners while being married? What about being in love with multiple people while being married? What about polyamory? What exactly is or is not adultery?

According to the Torah, adultery is a sexual relationship between a married woman and a man other than her husband. Both marriage and adultery were originally an issue of wombs. Which would explain why only the woman's marital status was at issue. A proper woman's womb must be preserved for one man only so that there are no questions regarding paternity and inheritance. Adultery is not the only possibility for immoral sexual relationship, even in the Torah: incest, rape, sleeping with heathens or menstruants. The rabbis even add the married man having sex with a woman who is not his wife to the list (well, at least taking a second wife.) As you may have noticed, traditionally sex was at the center of adultery. But when we look up adultery in the thesaurus we find unfaithful, infidelity, cheating--all words having to do less with sex and more with lying and deceit.

So, recently I asked a number of my rabbi friends, with whom I meet regularly, how they define adultery in today's world. [I had not talked kink with most of them but a couple of months earlier one of them had brought up the question of polyamory and kiddushin so it was perfectly reasonable for me to assume their opinions would take into consideration the reality of today's world.] Even after I stressed the technical definition spelled out by the Torah, they still all agreed that adultery comes down to immoral or inappropriate sexual relationships--legal definitions be damned!

Polyamory, when truly agreed upon by all relevant partners, is not cheating. It is not infidelity. It is not being unfaithful--as faith has not been broken. Even open relationships that are not based in a philosophy of love can still be free from lying and deceit and, therefore, can still be moral and appropriate. Ultimately, the third commandment--thou shalt not take the Eternal's name for a vow in vain--is so much more important than preserving a traditional concept of sexual monogamy. Faithfulness comes down to honesty not sex.

The man who asked me about polygyny asked about Gd's view of the whole thing. I told him that as long as he is lying to or hurting his wife, Gd would not approve.

I have been in relationships with married or significantly othered men but I do not break one of my most basic rules: I am not and will not be a dirty little secret. Do not get me wrong, I have been tempted--oh, have I been tempted! Nevertheless, I have too much respect for myself as well as for the sanctity of marriage vows to be an instrument for deceit.

Open relationships do have to be steeped in lies and deceit. Polyamory does not have to be adultery. On the contrary, infinite, multiple love can be based in faith and fidelity.

The Jewess: Sexually Repressed or Sexually Charged?

Throughout the ages, Jewish women have been the focus of many a sexual fantasy. As early as the Book of Esther, it is the Jewish girl who gets the kings attention for her ravaging beauty and intimate skills. In the Talmud, the rabbis are obsessed with the sexual appetite and sexual potency of Jewish women. In fact, they do everything they can think of to encourage Jewish men to “service” their wives as often as possible so that their wives’ longings do not get the better of them.

The Third Reich portrayed Jewish women as lascivious; much like the rabbis of the Talmud, the Nazis cautioned the Germans to beware the Jewish woman’s sexual appetite. The picture is an example of the Nazi propaganda regarding Jewish women. The text at the side of the picture says: "This puzzle-broadsheet was destined for the French soldiers in the bunkers of the Maginot-line. The German propaganda assumed that the curiosity of the soldiers would become bigger if they had to look for the different pieces at first. Once put together the pieces made up one of the most astute agitational pictures of the ‘paper war’: The demure English virgin, ‘Times’ gets a knowing reply from the mirror by the sluttish whore, ‘Semit[e]’.

At the same time we have been portrayed as repressed, repelled by sex, and downright frigid. Marcy Sheiner, in her introduction to The Oy of Sex, offers a joke that really brings the idea of this oxymoronic way of thinking about the Jewish woman’s sexuality:

"Q: How do you get a Jewish girl to stop fucking?
A: You marry her.
This, one of my all-time favorite jokes, first heard as an adolescent, can be interpreted several ways. On the surface, it says that Jewish women only "put out" to get the brass, or gold, ring. On the other hand, it tells us, frankly, that Jewish girls like to fuck. Unburdened by the Christian admonishments against carnal pleasure, the Jewish girl is more likely to rejoice in her sensuality. This is, of course, a positive identity, one we can at last proudly claim. On the other hand, it feeds the stereotype of the Jewish girl as slutty."

Last week I talked about how the entire nature of Jewish thought leads to a religion that is simply more sex positive. Well, in turn, Judaism has the potential for producing women who are more sex positive. It helps that, even if it hasn’t always been for good, we have been encouraged to think of ourselves as sexually carnivorous creatures!

I can make all of the obvious statements about how every woman is different and some Jewish women love sex and some hate it; some Jewish women are kinky and some as vanilla as extract! But I have been in many a conversation with many a man who has been with both Jewish and non-Jewish women and they seem to have a very particular impression of Jewish women: we like sex.

I, in all my Jewess-ness, love sex.

In the words of a close friend of mine who insists that he had slept with enough Jewish girls to know that, “Jewish girls take it up the ass.”

Freedom of mind, body, soul . . .

I began my attempt to be well read starting when I was ten. At summer camp we traded a copy of a sexy book back and forth, chapter by chapter, top bunk to bottom bunk and back. I was hypnotized by the relationship dynamics as much as by the sexual experience and conversations. By eleven the beginning of my education and my life long pursuit of all knowledge concerning relationship dynamics was complete (not!). I found a copy of Robert Rimmer's The Harrad Experiment! I found it liberating at eleven to think that multiple couples could bond, maintain multiple, open, long-term relationships and create a tribal house in which all members contributed to the household and relationship responsibilities. Sure it is Utopian and from the 70s, thus only dealing with the heterosexual aspect of relationships. But for me it provided hope for the advancement of the human spirit, human desires, and human sexuality. It is impossible to say I've read everything, but I've certainly read as much about relationships and sex as I could possible get my hands on and my mind wrapped around. It allowed me to believe that there was always more that I could learn and always someone who might be able to teach me. At some point I saw the movie 9 1/2 weeks and was mesmerized by the images it showed and the power exchange within the relationship. Again there are things to love and things to hate about this film, but the images advanced my knowledge of the potential for my inner desires. Later I watched Sex, Lies and Video Tape and The Secretary which also helped to provide images I longed to see and illustrate the desires I longed to fulfill.


Later, a partner of mine gifted me with two books that would change my life. Exit to Eden by Anne Rice as Anne Rampling and The Story of O by Pauline Reage. These books are both great and awful. I both love and hate aspects of each of these books. But beyond that they began to open another aspect of my inner desires. I desire to tie a partner up with her consent, a desire to be completely in control. Some years passed as I continued reading and understanding my inner desires.

A few years later, at almost thirty, I took my own life in hand the moment I felt free enough to purchase my first pair of leather bondage cuffs and Laura Antoniou's (still as Sara Adamson back then) first three Market Place novels. That summer, standing in the middle of the Boston Leather Flea Market, I felt the shackles of my fears and reservations fall from my mind and psyche. I still only had three people who knew of my dominant tendencies, two who let me actually bind them to a bed, but I had hopes for more adventures as I continued to explore my own relationship boundaries in my search for partners with similar desires.

At this time, while I was exploring my wild side, I was also a few years away from becoming a rabbi. I wasn't sure a loving partner existed who would accept and share both my inner desires and my belief in open relationships. I wasn't involved in any scene and didn't know enough people who lived like I wanted to live. And I was positive that my lifestyle couldn't, wouldn't mesh with my desire to be the best rabbi I could become. But as much as I wanted to be a great rabbi is as much as I wanted to be a great Dom in multiple, long term relationships with partners I respected and loved who enjoyed having me tie them up and fulfill a long list of both of our desires.

Fast forward ten years. I have a primary loving partner who enjoys being bound to a bed and spanked once in a while who supports me in all I am and all I do. I have three very different partners I love who all come to me for my skills with ropes, cuffs, floggers and other fascinating toys and devices. One of them I have been with only one year less than I've been with my primary partner. I also happen to be an amazing rabbi, with an amazing job.

A few springs ago, a best friend, colleague and one of my current partners began a conversation that changed both our lives. She told me that she thinks she loves being tied up and being at the will of a strong, dominant partner. "Funny thing," I say. "I happen to love tying people up and fulfilling their desires and mine in a consensual safe environment." (The funnier part of this is that she says to me this year "I knew ten years ago you liked tying people up. I found your cuffs once under your bed." What she was doing looking under my bed is an EVEN LONGER story!).
Our friendship and relationship blossomed until we were talking this year, after an amazing scene together, about writing with a third like-minded friend from our perspectives as both rabbis and sexual beings active in the BDSM lifestyle. We figured that based on the number of rabbis we had already discovered who were into the scene that there had to be even more rabbis we didn't know about with no voice who think they are alone in their desires and calling.

This is the short of my story. It isn't every detail, but it is enough of them. I am a very spiritual and sexual person. I always have been and always will be. I love who I am and who I become each day. I love my family, I love my partners and I love being a rabbi. I think my greater understanding of love, relationships (especially open relationships) and sex gives me a healthy head start in helping couples and families as they deal with their own relationship issues or prepare for their life together in marriage.

I hope my words here help build a stronger Jewish community and a stronger bond(age) to its sexual identity. I also hope the three of us create a greater understanding of the fact that we aren't alone in our calling as rabbis who desire to push their sexual lives as far as they can go in healthy, safe and consensual environments and experiences.
Cain yehi ratzon - May this be God's will,
1LeatherRabbi@gmail.com

B'ruchim HaBa'im!!!

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An introduction . . .

After ten years of personal and sexual soul searching two friends and I discovered that we had a lot more in common than just our profession. So after some discussions we decided to create this blog to create a safe space for us, and those like us, to write, discuss, describe our lives and how we choose to live them in a healthy and loving manner with a bit of leather and a lot of healthy bondage thrown in for fun. We hope you join on this adventure in words.

1Leatherrabbi@gmail.com