Kinky Torah: Parashat Va'eira

7:1 God said to Moses, 'Observe! I will be making you like a god to Pharaoh, and your brother Aaron will be your prophet. 7:2 You must announce all that I order you to, and your brother Aaron will relate it to Pharaoh. He will then let the Israelites leave his land. 7:3 'I will make Pharaoh stubborn, and will thus have the opportunity to display many miraculous signs and wonders in Egypt. 7:4 This is why Pharaoh will not pay attention to you. But then I will display My power against Egypt, and with great acts of judgment, I will bring forth from Egypt My armies - My people, the Israelites. 7:5 When I display My power and bring the Israelites out from among them, Egypt will know that I am God.'

When studying a parashah, sometimes a single word propels me--other times it is a phrase or verse, perhaps a pericope. Once in a blue moon, however, it is the entirety of the parashah that moves me. Va'eira is such a portion.

Va'eira, meaning "I will reveal," reveals the dark side, not just of the oppressed mind of the rejecting Israelites, not just of the absolutely powered therefore absolutely corruptible Pharaoh, not just of the whimpering, no confidence Moses. Va’eira reveals the dark side of God. In this portion, God begins the terrible game with Pharaoh—making his heart stubborn so that God can display awesome and awful plagues. So many people will die, painfully and horrifically, but God will “have the opportunity to display many miraculous signs and wonders” so, who cares?

Va’eira is at the heart of the most oft told and well known story we have—the Exodus from Egypt—and yet Va’eira begins the darkest concept of God we have ever considered throughout our history. The God of Va’eira is bitter and bloodthirsty, opportunistic and sadistic. The God of Va’eira is as dark as the human soul can imagine.

I have always hated this imagining of God. Every time I read about God hardening Pharaoh’s heart, I get so angry; why is it alright to bring ten plagues that will massacre hundreds, if not thousands of people when Pharaoh would have relented after the first five less horrifically destructive plagues? Why would we write a vengeful, sadistic God at all? What inside of the human soul requires the divine to mirror the darkness embedded in each of our souls?

Because that is the base truth of Va’eira: the human soul is filled with darkness as well as light. We are bitter and bloodthirsty, opportunistic and sadistic. Like the Israelites we reject. Like Pharaoh we are corruptible. Like Moses we have no confidence. So, we assume, like God we are cruel and fame seeking and vengeful and horrific in every way. We are dark and we have within us the spark of God therefore God must be as dark as we.

Va’eira is not about God. It is about the human psyche—the darkness within us all. Va’eira elevates our darkness to a fantastical, appalling, miraculous saga.

Do not get me wrong, I truly believe that we are amazing. The human experience is inherently good and beautiful and filled with wonder. Nevertheless, part of what makes us so outstanding is the fact that the darkness is always trying to engulf us. We live a life straddled between the yetzer hatov and the yetzer hara. Va’eira is yet another reminder that the ra is just as integral to the human experience as the tov. So integral, in fact, we even project our yetzer hara onto God.

God is not actually cruel and hardening and sadistic. We are.

Kinky Torah: Parashat Shemot: Each of Us Has A Name

Each of Us Has a Name, by Zelda

Each of us has a name
given by God
and given by our parents
Each of us has a name
given by our stature and our smile
and given by what we wear
Each of us has a name
given by the mountains
and given by our walls
Each of us has a name
given by the stars
and given by our neighbors
Each of us has a name
given by our sins
and given by our longing
Each of us has a name
given by our enemies
and given by our love
Each of us has a name
given by our celebrations
and given by our work
Each of us has a name
given by the seasons
and given by our blindness
Each of us has a name
given by the sea
and given by
our death.

Each of us has a name, given by our vanilla lives, and by our kink. At least for those of us that have a kinky side. Indeed, we all have many aspects to our lives...I think this becomes more evident for those of use who come with a bit of kink. We have our "regular lives" and the aspects that involve our kink.

This week's portion begins a new book of the Torah...and begins a new stage of the history of our people. And, indeed, of our name. Indeed, it is in the first chapter of this book that the name Israel transforms from the name of a guy (well, to be honest, the second name of a guy), to the name of a group. It is when our ancestors move from being an extended family towards being a people. It is this name that becomes our identity; the rest of the story is how we grow into that name.

I've been on my own journey of discovery for a bit now. It was a couple of years ago that I admitted at all that I had this side...a bit less than a year since I admitted it fully and began to engage that aspect of myself. And even begun to embrace it. I have a name that I use with those I've just come to meet in this realm....and perhaps that's the name of my kinky self. Those that I've come to be close with have learned my real name, as well. I'm still learning where that line is drawn. Still learning what my names are....still figuring out how I fit into my names.

I've found myself in a relationship, of late, with someone I've come to love deeply. He's married, and poly, and I'm not his only girlfriend. All that, on its own, includes its own selection of challenges. The fact that I'm a rabbi, and cannot make this all public, an additional collection of difficulties. Add on that he lives far away makes it all even tougher. But, we persevere. And, in the end, I think it's all a good thing. I'm still figuring out what this new identity, this new name so to speak, means to me...still growing into it, I suppose.

But I digress (I have a habit of doing that). Each of us has a name. We each have so many aspects to our lives...for me, once I realized and admitted I had a kinky side...well, I added a name for myself. But there's a lesson here, as well. We must figure out who we are as individuals, in general, but also who we are as our kinky selves.

How do we stay true to our identity in general, while claiming our new names? How do we balance it all? I believe we each have our own answer for that. But it's a good question to keep in mind.

Each of us has a name. Given to us by our lives, and given to us by our choices. May we all live up to our names and continually define what those names are.

Kinky Torah: Parashat Vay'chi

Parashat Vay'chi, the last Torah portion in Sefer B'reishit (the book of Genesis), is most famous for Jacob's deathbed "blessing" of his twelve sons in chapter 49. Let's be honest here, whether or not this is really a "blessing" is up for discussion--Jacob is not kind to all of his sons. I was prepared to write a serious discourse about the nature of conferring such dark messages on one's deathbed when I realized: whatever, let's have some fun!

And so I offer you, my faithful reader, each son's fetish as revealed by their blessing. If you are not certain as to how, exactly, I have exhumed each fetish from the text, ask me. Please, please, please feel free to vociferously disagree with me and tell me all about it! For a full text of each blessing, look it up!

Reuben ~ Mommy/son

49:4 …This is because you violated your father's beds, committing a profane act. He slept with my wife!

Simeon & Levi ~ Sadists

49:7 Cursed be their rage, for it is fierce, and their fury, for it is cruel. I will disperse them in Jacob, scatter them in Israel.

Judah ~ Dominant

49:8 'Judah, your brothers shall submit to you… 49:10 …Nations will submit to him until the final tranquility comes.

Zebulun ~ Prostituting

49:13 'Zebulun shall settle the seashores; he will be a harbor for ships; his border shall reach Sidon.

Issachar ~ Slave

49:15 But he sees that the resting place is good, and that the land is pleasant, so he will bend his back to the load, working like a slave.

Dan ~ Foot Fetish

49:17 Let Dan be a snake on the road, a viper on the path, biting the horse's heel, so the rider falls backward.

Gad ~ Smart Ass Sub

49:19 'Raiders shall raid Gad, but he will raid at [their] heel.

Asher ~ Whipped Cream, Ginger, Chocolate Sauce, Champagne, Cucumbers, so on and so on…

49:20 'From Asher shall come the richest foods; he shall provide the king's delights.

Naphtali ~ Queer

49:21 Naphtali is a hind prancing free; he delivers words of beauty.

Joseph ~ Adult Nursing Relationship/Pregnancy Fetish/Etc.

49:25 '[This was] from your father's God, who will [still] help you, and from the Eternal, who will bless you. [Yours will be] the blessings of heaven above, the blessing of the water lying beneath, the blessing of breast and womb.

Benjamin ~Blood Sports

49:27 'Benjamin is a vicious wolf. He eats a portion in the morning, and divides his prey in the evening.'

Kinky Torah: Parashat Vayigash

Genesis 45:1 Joseph could not hold in his emotions. Since all his attendants were present, he cried out, 'Have everyone leave my presence!' Thus, no one else was with him when Joseph revealed himself to his brothers.

Recently, I “came out” to my sister. I told her about the blog and my being submissive, about my love of spankings and floggers, about the Doms I have been with; I told her everything. [If you, who are reading this, have had the good fortune of spanking or flogging or Dominating me in any way, do not fear. I did not name you.]

I was nervous telling her. I cannot say, exactly, what prompted me to reveal to her my secret life except, perhaps that I don’t handle secrets well. I like to talk about things. I like to share my reality with the people in my life. I like everything to be in the open.

Nevertheless, not every venue is appropriate for every revelation. I am not going to be discussing BDSM from the bimah anytime soon. Nor am I not going to be comparing floggers with the sisterhood. My sexual preferences, no matter how enmeshed they are with my personality, have no place in my congregational rabbinate. This is not to say that I or anyone else should suppress our sexuality for the sake of the congregation; merely that I would not discuss my sex life from the pulpit no matter how socially acceptable it would be deemed to be.

Joseph understood this. He understood that his private life was just that, private. He did not have to reveal himself before his attendants. They did not need to know who he really was under the veil of vizier.

But his brothers—they did need to know.

I told my sister that I am submissive, that I am kinky, that I am a proponent of BDSM. And she gently but clearly [she would make a great Domme!] told me that I have to tell our parents. To hide myself from my congregation is one thing, but to hide myself from my family…that is a form of personal suppression and ultimately unhealthy for a person like me who does not handle secrets well. (Please understand that we have amazing parents who are free thinkers, both socially and sexually. Sadly, I know that is not the case for everyone.) To be fair, she really only told me that I had to tell our mother. Mom, in turn, would tell Dad everything. I must have been ready, because a few days later, I did.

I chose not to offer my mom any particular proclivities, only that I and a couple of rabbi friends of mine have this blog on BDSM, that I am a strong advocate for a sex-positive society and that I identify as kinky. She was so cute. One of the first things she said was, “I saw Secretary!” The only negative thing she said during the entire conversation was that she was disappointed that I thought I couldn’t tell her. Did I mention that I have amazing free thinking parents?!

Just like Joseph, I have had to hide myself from the people I work with and for. But, just like Joseph, I needed to reveal my true self to my family. I needed to be able to talk to my mom about the men who have captured my fancy. I needed to run some ideas for the blog by my sister. I needed my family to know about me—the real me.

The REAL Lesson of Hanukkah

Chanukah is a fun holiday. We are meant to celebrate, party, indulge in greasy foods and sit in awe of the candles remembering the "miracle" of the oil. If that is working for you, you may want to stop reading this post because I am about to burst one of the biggest myths of Hannukka: the oil thing is a load of crap.

About 400 years after the fact, the rabbis of the Talmud fabricate the "single vial of oil lasting 8 days" story to throw off the Romans from the real miracle - the military victory of the Hasmoneans over the Greeks. Now, if you have not read I Maccabees recently you may not remember why those crazy Hasmoneans were willing to take on the Greeks when they were so grossly outnumbered. What Mattathias and Judah and all of those crazy Hasmoneans were fighting against was assimilation.

When the Greeks conquered peoples, back in the day, they tended to want to Greekify (or Hellenize) every new corner of the Empire. They wanted their new constituents to speak Greek, take Greek names, busy themselves with Greek pastimes, eat Greek food, and worship Greek gods. For many people that was great, as Greek stuff was considered hot. In fact, many of the Israelites really got into the whole Hellenization trend; they built a gymnasium in Jerusalem and pig started popping up on menus all over town. Mattathias was mortified, nay, livid that his people were abandoning their ways just to fit in with the conquering horde. So, he fought. He fought the Greeks and their insistence that everyone speak and eat and worship and recreate just like them. Now, to be fair, Mattathias had little interest in actual pluralism and freedom of expression. [He really just wanted all of the Israelites to maintain the "old time religion."] Nevertheless, his platform of anti-assimilation becomes the core value of the original story and is exactly what I hope we all take away from Channuka this year.

Throughout this great nation of ours, there has been an expectation of sexual assimilation--that each and every one of us must assimilate to the most simplistic and mild form of procreative sexuality and sexual intercourse. Homosexuality in unacceptable. Multiple partners is uncivilized. BDSM is unfathomable. Our sex lives, our entire concept of sexuality may only be shaped by the puritanical cookie cutter. The conservative religionists have conquered our land; we must assimilate.

No.

As we leave Hannukah 5771 behind, let us stand up to the conquering hordes and say NO to assimilation. We do not all have to be the same. We do not have to speak the same language, worship the same way and love in the same manner. We do not have to be like everyone else, especially in the most intimate corners of our lives. On the contrary, we must be true to our unique selves and break free from the expectations of the sexual oppressors. We must fight assimilation and revel in the diversity of our sexuality.

Happy Chanukka!

I Have a Little Dreidel for Adults

I have a little dreidel, I made it out of gin.
That dreidel wouldn't turn, but the room began to spin.

I have a little dreidel, I made it out of pot
and when it started spinning, I just sat and stared at it a lot.

I had a little dreidel, I made it out of latke.
I left it on the shelf and it turned into vodka.

I have a little dreidel, I made it out of candy.
When he nibbles on it, I start feeling kind of randy.

I have a little dreidel, I spin it till it flips
but later if I'm lucky, I'll trade it in for chains and whips.

I have a little dreidel, I made it out of leather
and when it's done spinning, it will bind her hands together.

I have a little dreidel, it's down here in my pants
And when I spin it properly, you should see my dreidel dance

A Kinky Chanukah to One and All!

Not that any of you need much encouragement from me, but...

8 WAYS TO KINK UP YOUR HANUKKAH

1. Stage your own Maccabees vs Syrians bedroom scene
2. In celebration of the miracle of oil, oil up someone you love
3. Two words: Strip Dreidel
   
4. 10 spanks for every candle
5. Use sufganiyot for your sploshing
6. Wrap yourself up--what better gift can you give?
   
7. How much gelt for a lap dance?
8. And, of course, candle wax, candle wax, candle wax: become a living chanukiyah
   

How To Spell C-H/H/J-A-N/N-N-U/O-O-C-K/-K/K-K-A-H

People ask me all the time how to spell the classic Hebrew name for the Festival of Lights. And I give the same response that I give regarding how to spell any Hebrew word: as long as you are spelling it in English, you are spelling it wrong...sooooooooooo, spell it wrong any way you like!

How do you like to represent that lovely guttural sound? "ch," "h," or, perhaps, the Spanish "j"?
One "n" or two?
One "k," two "k"s, or "ck"?
An "h" at the end or do you prefer to end with the "a"?

I am sure that there are even more options that I have not even considered but you get the gist.

If possible, use actual Hebrew letters: chet, nun, vuv, kof, hey. If Hebrew is not an option, here's the rule I go with: Chanukah should have eight letters--one for each day and each candle.

Therefore, whether you spell it Chanukah, Chanukka, Channuka, Hanukkah, Hannukah, Hannukka, or, even, Janukkah, give it eight letters and it is as right as you are going to get in English!

Candlelight - The Maccabeats - Hanukkah

Kinky Torah: Parashat Mikeitz

Joseph: The Paradigmatic Switch

42:6 And Joseph was the governor over the land; he it was that sold to all the people of the land. And Joseph's brethren came, and bowed down to him with their faces to the earth. 42:7 And Joseph saw his brethren, and he knew them, but made himself strange unto them, and spoke roughly with them...

No character has as much narrative in Genesis as Joseph, not even Abraham; so it should not come as too much of a surprise that we get to see this man in many roles. Nevertheless, it has always amazed me just how easily Joseph transitions from being in shackles to being second in command of all Egypt.

When Joseph is thrown into the pit by his brothers, he is silent. When he is sold into slavery, he is silent. As he wallows in prison, he is silent. There is a classic Jewish tradition that suggests that it is out of Joseph's extreme piety that he is able to silently submit in each of these occasions. He believes so strongly in the divine plan for him, that he can and will endure anything in order to be the instrument that God has ordained him to be. Now I ask you, is this or is this not the way of the true submissive? For the sake of the Masters will/plan/enjoyment, the submissive endures--or even welcomes--all that befalls him or her.

Yet, as we can see from this weeks parasha, as soon as Joseph is given the opportunity to play Dom, he jumps at it. He takes on a domineering Egyptian name, Zaphenet Panei-ach: the one appointed by the god to provide life. He dons the clothing of wealth and power. He marries the daughter of a priestess. He reduces the entire Egyptian populace to a serfdom beholden to Pharaoh, the only man greater than he. And when his brothers arrive, he plays out his ultimate D/s scene; he makes them grovel before him.

Before anyone gets soft on me and brings up how he cries at their reunion; his tears do not fall until after Benjamin comes with the rest of the brothers on their second trip and, even then, not until he sets them all up to see if they will discard little Benny as easily as they discarded him, so many years ago.

On the contrary, as our text clearly states, Joseph has the brothers prostrate themselves before him as he spoke "roughly" to them. At this moment, he steps completely into the roll of the Dominant, eager to bend those before him to submit fully to His will.

Perhaps this is merely Joseph's evolution of power and control: from the depths to the heights, from subjugation to authority, from submissive to Dominant. On the other hand, for any individual to be able to truly embody from one end of the spectrum to the other within a single lifetime, maybe, just maybe this is the ultimate switch.

Finally, what is Joseph's secret to switching? How is it that he can both submit and Dominate fully with absolute surety in his role? 1. Joseph lives in the moment (well, in the moment that was 3500 years ago.) When not confronted by dreams, whether they be his own or others, Joseph accepts the moment before him ordained by God and he rolls with it. 2. Joseph doesn't merely like power and control, he truly understands it. Therefore when it wielded against him, either by God or by his brothers or by Potiphar, he is aware enough to submit to it; yet when power and control are placed squarely in his hands, He is perfectly capable and comfortable wielding it Himself.

And here I had thought switches were merely folks who could not make up their minds!

Adventures of Todd & God: Hanukkah (Ep 1) - MyJewishLearning

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