Kinky Torah: Parashat Vayigash

Genesis 45:1 Joseph could not hold in his emotions. Since all his attendants were present, he cried out, 'Have everyone leave my presence!' Thus, no one else was with him when Joseph revealed himself to his brothers.

Recently, I “came out” to my sister. I told her about the blog and my being submissive, about my love of spankings and floggers, about the Doms I have been with; I told her everything. [If you, who are reading this, have had the good fortune of spanking or flogging or Dominating me in any way, do not fear. I did not name you.]

I was nervous telling her. I cannot say, exactly, what prompted me to reveal to her my secret life except, perhaps that I don’t handle secrets well. I like to talk about things. I like to share my reality with the people in my life. I like everything to be in the open.

Nevertheless, not every venue is appropriate for every revelation. I am not going to be discussing BDSM from the bimah anytime soon. Nor am I not going to be comparing floggers with the sisterhood. My sexual preferences, no matter how enmeshed they are with my personality, have no place in my congregational rabbinate. This is not to say that I or anyone else should suppress our sexuality for the sake of the congregation; merely that I would not discuss my sex life from the pulpit no matter how socially acceptable it would be deemed to be.

Joseph understood this. He understood that his private life was just that, private. He did not have to reveal himself before his attendants. They did not need to know who he really was under the veil of vizier.

But his brothers—they did need to know.

I told my sister that I am submissive, that I am kinky, that I am a proponent of BDSM. And she gently but clearly [she would make a great Domme!] told me that I have to tell our parents. To hide myself from my congregation is one thing, but to hide myself from my family…that is a form of personal suppression and ultimately unhealthy for a person like me who does not handle secrets well. (Please understand that we have amazing parents who are free thinkers, both socially and sexually. Sadly, I know that is not the case for everyone.) To be fair, she really only told me that I had to tell our mother. Mom, in turn, would tell Dad everything. I must have been ready, because a few days later, I did.

I chose not to offer my mom any particular proclivities, only that I and a couple of rabbi friends of mine have this blog on BDSM, that I am a strong advocate for a sex-positive society and that I identify as kinky. She was so cute. One of the first things she said was, “I saw Secretary!” The only negative thing she said during the entire conversation was that she was disappointed that I thought I couldn’t tell her. Did I mention that I have amazing free thinking parents?!

Just like Joseph, I have had to hide myself from the people I work with and for. But, just like Joseph, I needed to reveal my true self to my family. I needed to be able to talk to my mom about the men who have captured my fancy. I needed to run some ideas for the blog by my sister. I needed my family to know about me—the real me.