Age is nothing but a number

Yeah, that's not true at all. Seriously, I haven't believed that for a long time....perhaps never, but age--in terms of how old a partner is--is something that's also, well, interesting.

I had a conversation with a vanilla friend earlier. Really, she's about as vanilla as they get. I've given her a few hints about my kink, but haven't had the full conversation. I don't think she'll be shocked when I do tell her, but I also don't think she's ever really considered that someone she knows enjoys the things that I enjoy...or looks for the kind of relationships that I seek. Anyway, she commented about someone she met that he was 29, and therefore too young for her...she's a few years younger than I am. I commented that I totally disagreed, and fully believe in the law of half your age plus 7. She came back that she really only considered her age plus 10 years, as she likes older men. I returned that I also like older men, and still consider younger men (within the rule)...and then the conversation turned to other topics. But it got me thinking about age.

I like older men. Always have. When I was 22, I was with a man twice my age. More recently, I've been with men whose children I was closer in age to than he was. Looking at every man I've been with, in any way, since my first kiss at age 10, actually...I think there are maybe 5 guys that were younger than I was. And I wonder why that is.

I mean, I sometimes joke that I have the sex drive of a teenaged boy. I know that I'm at or near my prime, and that men reach their peak at a younger age. Maybe I should be thinking about someone younger...I mean, I've been with guys who are at the age where Viagra becomes commonplace. And that doesn't bother me...but, then again, I often want more than they do. Logically, I should be thinking about younger men.

I suppose part of it is the whole sub thing...I look to older men because perhaps they can give me more guidance, perhaps. But I think I'm also just attracted to them. In some ways, I think a younger guy could be fun...but could I submit to them for long? True submission is hard enough for me (as in truly letting go with my mind, fully)...maybe I'm reticent to fully trust someone who is younger. Or maybe I like the idea of someone with more life experience than I have.

Or maybe it's something entirely different. Maybe it's just that I like older men. I'm not sure.

But it's on my mind at the moment...so I figured I'd offer it up here. What do you all think about age? Is there something to be said for someone older? Someone younger?

Happy blogoversary

OK...it's been a bit over a year, but we missed the year mark, so be it.

It struck me earlier that it had been about a year since we started this little blog, and took a moment to look back at when we really did start...and doing a bit of rereading of our posts...what a year it's been.

This was my second Pesach since admitting this discovery to myself, and starting to admit it to others...again, all that talk of bondage at the seder made me smile internally a few times. And this time around, I took the opportunity to come out as kinky to 2 of my close friends. They both took it so nonchanantly...so in stride. It made me thankful to have wonderful friends. And helped me to feel a little bit more, well, normal.

So much else has happened in my own life in the past year. I started writing more, my grandfather died, LOST ended, I started a new job after a long time being severely underemployed, I moved, I had a few non-starter BDSM relationships, 1 really bad one, 1 potentially great one that we both realized wasn't able to be that which we had dreamed it could be (that kind of broke my heart--the fact it wasn't to be, not him--he was wonderful and still is. It was the right thing to end where we were...and I'm thankful every day for his ongoing friendship), a bit of fun play here and there, and a good dose of potential that's only just beginning. I tried things that I never imagined I'd dare try, and even enjoyed some of them. And I keep my eye out for more exploration in that realm...and in life.

May this be a year of new experiences, new lessons, new ideas for us all.

I'm babbling, I realize. But I want to get back to what a year this has been. And how we started around Pesach last year (I do believe it was during Pesach that Spritually Playful learned about my proclivities, Rabbi Submissive knowing for longer. She was the first person I told of my exploration, as she was the one who helped me take the first steps), and how so much of this is about freedom. We named this blog for a reason...and it is through our recognition that returning to bondage, by choice, gives us so much of the freedom we all seek.

As we enter this Shabbat of Pesach, I hope that we all find the peace--the shleimut--that comes from acceptance of who we are. Of what we are becoming in the constant process of life.

And that we all find others who help us to complete that journey.

Shabbat Shalom and Chag Sameach!!

A Tale of 2 Cities

With CCAR convention in NOLA & the RA in Vegas, this week's theme is "Your rabbi is having more fun than you are."

Not quite fair to say that this tweet went viral, but within a really small segment of the Jewish world (even smaller segment of the world at large), this statement was shared by and amused more than a few people. And, it's true. Last week, The Rabbinical Assembly and Central Conference of American Rabbis each met in Las Vegas and New Orleans, respectively. Yes, the Conservative and Reform rabbis each had their annual conventions in the 2 US cities perhaps most known for debauchery.

Of course, there is more to a conference than the city where it was held. I was at one of them, and can attest to that. I've read reports from the other and it sounds like the 2 conventions were similar. Both movements discussed the goings on in Israel and the Middle East at large, considered technology and how it fits in to what we do, pondered how to move beyond what it is we do in order to reach those that we don't and began to envision the future of our movements. We learned, we prayed, we networked, we shared. We inspired and were inspired by our fellow colleagues. We socialized with old friends and found new connections. Our conventions are about all of these things and this was true once again, in both cases.

But I think there is something to be said...to be thought about...regarding the location of both conventions this year. Yes, there were the jokes. And yes, there were many comments about what we weren't doing (perhaps the rabbis doth protest too much?). I have to wonder about how honest those comments were. To what extent did we partake in that which the city we were visiting had to offer?

I admit here that I went to a strip club with a few colleagues. It was fun and instructive on a number of levels. But I also share that we looked both ways before we exited; and were very careful about who knew our whereabouts. I have to wonder how many others did the same....or went down their own paths of exploration. Both groups being in cities where anonymity is part of what happens naturally...where it's so easy to hide....here there are so many venues for behavior that might be perceived as "not what we do" (even if some of us know it's exactly what we love to do). There must have been more that went on...or at least temptation. I highly doubt that the 3 people I went to the strip club with were the only other colleagues that partook in all the city had to offer.

I have to believe that at my convention and at the other that the 4 of us were not the only ones that did something outside the perceived boundaries of what we are "supposed to" do. I know there are others who are kinky...who think outside the box about matters of sexuality. How many were aware enough of their needs to partake? How many felt the freedom to explore, even if just a little.

In some ways, those of us who are still in the closet, but have begun to peek out, owe both groups of conference planners a load of thanks. For giving us the opportunity to convene with like minded colleagues who allow us to explore--to put us in locales where such exploration is bound to happen. Perhaps that's not what the planners had considered as goals...but I think it's a good thing. It's all part of finding the right balance between all the aspects of our lives.

I, for one, am thankful that I had the chance to explore this locale...this aspect of my self...with colleagues that I know I'm lucky to have.

And Haman Was His Name-O

I actually hate that song, for the record. But it is, admittedly, catchy. I'm exhausted from working Purim (a holiday that's still such fun, but a lot more tiring when you're on the organizing end of Jewish life), but I wanted to expand on my last post. My thoughts are still not entirely formed, but I've thought about this over the past week, and I do want to share along the way. So here are a few thoughts on considering the Book of Esther, the story of Purim, through the lens of BDSM.

First off, the theme of costuming ourselves--wearing masks. On a basic level, this invokes images of the accouterments of the fetish scene--the leather and latex, if that's your thing...or even just what we choose to wear for our partner, to evoke the message we want to send--from whatever end we're coming from. And, for some of us, it's about the way we hide who we are because we have this aspect of ourselves. For the most part, I hide my kink from the world at large...and I hide the fact I'm a rabbi when I'm in kink-realm. In this way, I can relate to Esther...not wanting to let others know who she truly was....not being able to let her true self show, entirely.

And we have these wonderful, erotic pieces of the text. For someone into submission, all this talk of bowing can evoke a certain feeling. And, that whole not-a-fashion-show contest King A (I hate trying to spell his name) holds to choose a new queen. And what is, perhaps, the statement most full of innuendo in of biblical literature, Esther 4:2 (old JPS translation): "And it was so, when the king saw Esther the queen standing in the court, that she obtained favour in his sight; and the king held out to Esther the golden sceptre that was in his hand. So Esther drew near, and touched the top of the sceptre." Ummmm...really?

And then we have these character archetypes, as I'm coming to see them.

Vashti: the sub who is well aware of her power and isn't afraid to be herself. As I said, I love Vashti in a lot of ways. The gal sticks up for herself. She is her own person and does what she needs to. I think she's gotten a bum rap from Judaism in general...I admire her, in many ways, more than I like Esther (who kind of seems kind of whiney, imho. And too willing to be led, in some ways.). Seems odd, from a sub perspective, I suppose. But, at the same time, she knows her limits--and once they're crossed, she's not going to let that happen. She knows what she wants in a D-type and isn't going to submit to one she doesn't want to submit to.

King A also comes off as the quintessential Dim Dom...the guy wants everyone to answer to him...and never seems particularly bright. And once he throws one gal away (because she wasn't twue enough), he tests out new models until he finds a new one. And then he falls for her...and pretty much lets himself be manipulated by everyone, despite the fact that he's still the one apparently in charge.

Still figuring out Haman and Esther and Mordechai. I guess Mord would be the helpful, supportive vanilla friend, who helpfully pushes those of us not-so-vanilla towards being whom we need to be. Haman, maybe, the overconfident sadist who knows what power he holds, but doesn't take all of reality (and what he might not know) into consideration--he acts as a Dominant, but isn't truly Dominant at his core.

And Esther, well, I don't really know. The newbie, perhaps? Taking others advice...scared of everything, it seems...willing to be pushed but, ultimately, willing to take care of what she needs to.

I've often wondered why Purim was such a kid-focused holiday. I mean, yeah--costumes are fun, and who doesn't like a good carnival. But when you look at it, I think we miss out on a lot. The drunken debauchery on the one hand...and the sexy nature of the story in general (even if not reading it as we might). The Book of Esther is a very adult story...I think it's a good thing for us to start thinking of it that way.

Oh Once There Was a Wicked, Wicked Man

Wow, We've been remiss. Sorry!

Teaching Purim today, I started to realize how much this story has to say about BDSM. I mean, really. It's all about submission in a lot of ways...from Vashti refusing the king's command (love her as a feminist role model, btw) to Mordechai refusing to bow to Haman to Achashveros' competitive orgy (let's not pretend it was a beauty contest)....

I have more to say about this, but I welcome your comments as I process. But, really...going through the tale today, it really struck me.