Kinky Torah: Parashat Vay'chi

Parashat Vay'chi, the last Torah portion in Sefer B'reishit (the book of Genesis), is most famous for Jacob's deathbed "blessing" of his twelve sons in chapter 49. Let's be honest here, whether or not this is really a "blessing" is up for discussion--Jacob is not kind to all of his sons. I was prepared to write a serious discourse about the nature of conferring such dark messages on one's deathbed when I realized: whatever, let's have some fun!

And so I offer you, my faithful reader, each son's fetish as revealed by their blessing. If you are not certain as to how, exactly, I have exhumed each fetish from the text, ask me. Please, please, please feel free to vociferously disagree with me and tell me all about it! For a full text of each blessing, look it up!

Reuben ~ Mommy/son

49:4 …This is because you violated your father's beds, committing a profane act. He slept with my wife!

Simeon & Levi ~ Sadists

49:7 Cursed be their rage, for it is fierce, and their fury, for it is cruel. I will disperse them in Jacob, scatter them in Israel.

Judah ~ Dominant

49:8 'Judah, your brothers shall submit to you… 49:10 …Nations will submit to him until the final tranquility comes.

Zebulun ~ Prostituting

49:13 'Zebulun shall settle the seashores; he will be a harbor for ships; his border shall reach Sidon.

Issachar ~ Slave

49:15 But he sees that the resting place is good, and that the land is pleasant, so he will bend his back to the load, working like a slave.

Dan ~ Foot Fetish

49:17 Let Dan be a snake on the road, a viper on the path, biting the horse's heel, so the rider falls backward.

Gad ~ Smart Ass Sub

49:19 'Raiders shall raid Gad, but he will raid at [their] heel.

Asher ~ Whipped Cream, Ginger, Chocolate Sauce, Champagne, Cucumbers, so on and so on…

49:20 'From Asher shall come the richest foods; he shall provide the king's delights.

Naphtali ~ Queer

49:21 Naphtali is a hind prancing free; he delivers words of beauty.

Joseph ~ Adult Nursing Relationship/Pregnancy Fetish/Etc.

49:25 '[This was] from your father's God, who will [still] help you, and from the Eternal, who will bless you. [Yours will be] the blessings of heaven above, the blessing of the water lying beneath, the blessing of breast and womb.

Benjamin ~Blood Sports

49:27 'Benjamin is a vicious wolf. He eats a portion in the morning, and divides his prey in the evening.'