Is Polyamory Adultery?

Recently, I was asked about how Gd feels about polygyny and pilegesh. I have been thinking about adultery a lot lately and this question really stirred me. Answering this man was relatively easy as he was asking about two ideas that are steeped in legal status. As the reality of U.S. law is that multiple marriage is illegal AND that Talmud is very clear regarding dinah d'malchuta dinah (the law of the land IS the law), I had no problem telling this man to forget about polygyny and even pilegesh. [Regarding pilegesh, in nearly all cultures concubinage has been considered a non-marital relationship with legal status. Although U.S. law does not address concubinage directly, I argue that the legal benefits of concubinage would in America suggest polygyny and therefore also be illegal.]

So, ok, multiple marriage is illegal--don't do it. But what about having a mistress? Or multiple partners while being married? What about being in love with multiple people while being married? What about polyamory? What exactly is or is not adultery?

According to the Torah, adultery is a sexual relationship between a married woman and a man other than her husband. Both marriage and adultery were originally an issue of wombs. Which would explain why only the woman's marital status was at issue. A proper woman's womb must be preserved for one man only so that there are no questions regarding paternity and inheritance. Adultery is not the only possibility for immoral sexual relationship, even in the Torah: incest, rape, sleeping with heathens or menstruants. The rabbis even add the married man having sex with a woman who is not his wife to the list (well, at least taking a second wife.) As you may have noticed, traditionally sex was at the center of adultery. But when we look up adultery in the thesaurus we find unfaithful, infidelity, cheating--all words having to do less with sex and more with lying and deceit.

So, recently I asked a number of my rabbi friends, with whom I meet regularly, how they define adultery in today's world. [I had not talked kink with most of them but a couple of months earlier one of them had brought up the question of polyamory and kiddushin so it was perfectly reasonable for me to assume their opinions would take into consideration the reality of today's world.] Even after I stressed the technical definition spelled out by the Torah, they still all agreed that adultery comes down to immoral or inappropriate sexual relationships--legal definitions be damned!

Polyamory, when truly agreed upon by all relevant partners, is not cheating. It is not infidelity. It is not being unfaithful--as faith has not been broken. Even open relationships that are not based in a philosophy of love can still be free from lying and deceit and, therefore, can still be moral and appropriate. Ultimately, the third commandment--thou shalt not take the Eternal's name for a vow in vain--is so much more important than preserving a traditional concept of sexual monogamy. Faithfulness comes down to honesty not sex.

The man who asked me about polygyny asked about Gd's view of the whole thing. I told him that as long as he is lying to or hurting his wife, Gd would not approve.

I have been in relationships with married or significantly othered men but I do not break one of my most basic rules: I am not and will not be a dirty little secret. Do not get me wrong, I have been tempted--oh, have I been tempted! Nevertheless, I have too much respect for myself as well as for the sanctity of marriage vows to be an instrument for deceit.

Open relationships do have to be steeped in lies and deceit. Polyamory does not have to be adultery. On the contrary, infinite, multiple love can be based in faith and fidelity.

The Jewess: Sexually Repressed or Sexually Charged?

Throughout the ages, Jewish women have been the focus of many a sexual fantasy. As early as the Book of Esther, it is the Jewish girl who gets the kings attention for her ravaging beauty and intimate skills. In the Talmud, the rabbis are obsessed with the sexual appetite and sexual potency of Jewish women. In fact, they do everything they can think of to encourage Jewish men to “service” their wives as often as possible so that their wives’ longings do not get the better of them.

The Third Reich portrayed Jewish women as lascivious; much like the rabbis of the Talmud, the Nazis cautioned the Germans to beware the Jewish woman’s sexual appetite. The picture is an example of the Nazi propaganda regarding Jewish women. The text at the side of the picture says: "This puzzle-broadsheet was destined for the French soldiers in the bunkers of the Maginot-line. The German propaganda assumed that the curiosity of the soldiers would become bigger if they had to look for the different pieces at first. Once put together the pieces made up one of the most astute agitational pictures of the ‘paper war’: The demure English virgin, ‘Times’ gets a knowing reply from the mirror by the sluttish whore, ‘Semit[e]’.

At the same time we have been portrayed as repressed, repelled by sex, and downright frigid. Marcy Sheiner, in her introduction to The Oy of Sex, offers a joke that really brings the idea of this oxymoronic way of thinking about the Jewish woman’s sexuality:

"Q: How do you get a Jewish girl to stop fucking?
A: You marry her.
This, one of my all-time favorite jokes, first heard as an adolescent, can be interpreted several ways. On the surface, it says that Jewish women only "put out" to get the brass, or gold, ring. On the other hand, it tells us, frankly, that Jewish girls like to fuck. Unburdened by the Christian admonishments against carnal pleasure, the Jewish girl is more likely to rejoice in her sensuality. This is, of course, a positive identity, one we can at last proudly claim. On the other hand, it feeds the stereotype of the Jewish girl as slutty."

Last week I talked about how the entire nature of Jewish thought leads to a religion that is simply more sex positive. Well, in turn, Judaism has the potential for producing women who are more sex positive. It helps that, even if it hasn’t always been for good, we have been encouraged to think of ourselves as sexually carnivorous creatures!

I can make all of the obvious statements about how every woman is different and some Jewish women love sex and some hate it; some Jewish women are kinky and some as vanilla as extract! But I have been in many a conversation with many a man who has been with both Jewish and non-Jewish women and they seem to have a very particular impression of Jewish women: we like sex.

I, in all my Jewess-ness, love sex.

In the words of a close friend of mine who insists that he had slept with enough Jewish girls to know that, “Jewish girls take it up the ass.”

Judaism & Carnal Pleasure

I am a huge fan of FetLife.

Not only is it a great (free) place for pictures and stories, but the discussion boards are varied and interesting and offer a real opportunity for creating true online community by allowing us to engage with one another's mind. Through these discussions, we can share our histories, our passions, our fears, our annoyances, and our questions.

So, I was browsing some of my groups the other day and I came across a question that tickled me. In San Francisco/Bay Area Kinky Jews, theiconoclast asks:

I have noticed that Jewish women are generally sensual and very open-minded when it comes to sex. Is it because the faith is supportive of carnal pleasures?

As this is an excellent question, I thought it may be useful to answer it here in two parts! I actually see two questions here, and I shall tackle the second one first, today: is Judaism supportive of carnal pleasures?

Judaism is often given the credit of having a very open sexual ethic and in truth, Jewish tradition has always had a much more positive attitude towards the body and the needs of the body than Christianity. Unlike Christianity, we are not bogged down by the concept of original sin and we have a clear understanding that just as the body comes from God and is therefore sacred and good the needs of the body come from God and, therefore, have the potential, for being sacred and good. But, in my opinion, what truly makes Judaism more supportive of "carnal pleasures" has nothing to do with sex, per se. Judaism, at its very core, is a tradition based on shades of gray—a multiplicity of opinions.

Unless a matter is clearly elucidated in Torah, no one opinion should be considered absolute. In the Talmud there are rabbis who, clearly, have body issues, believe that women are inherently sinful, and are afraid of sex. (Sounds a lot like some of the early Church fathers, no?) BUT—and here’s where the whole multiplicity thing makes for great religion!—also in the Talmud are discussions about how the woman should orgasm first, that pre-married women should use birth control, and how we are free to have sex any way we want (just as long as seed isn’t spilled). Because Judaism, traditionally, shies away from absolutes, it is very difficult for one authority to come in and paint any one issue as dark and evil, even sex.

It helps that the most of the Talmudic rabbis seemed to have had a great appreciation for sex!

Next time: why Jewish Girls, in particular rock!