Is Polyamory Adultery?

Recently, I was asked about how Gd feels about polygyny and pilegesh. I have been thinking about adultery a lot lately and this question really stirred me. Answering this man was relatively easy as he was asking about two ideas that are steeped in legal status. As the reality of U.S. law is that multiple marriage is illegal AND that Talmud is very clear regarding dinah d'malchuta dinah (the law of the land IS the law), I had no problem telling this man to forget about polygyny and even pilegesh. [Regarding pilegesh, in nearly all cultures concubinage has been considered a non-marital relationship with legal status. Although U.S. law does not address concubinage directly, I argue that the legal benefits of concubinage would in America suggest polygyny and therefore also be illegal.]

So, ok, multiple marriage is illegal--don't do it. But what about having a mistress? Or multiple partners while being married? What about being in love with multiple people while being married? What about polyamory? What exactly is or is not adultery?

According to the Torah, adultery is a sexual relationship between a married woman and a man other than her husband. Both marriage and adultery were originally an issue of wombs. Which would explain why only the woman's marital status was at issue. A proper woman's womb must be preserved for one man only so that there are no questions regarding paternity and inheritance. Adultery is not the only possibility for immoral sexual relationship, even in the Torah: incest, rape, sleeping with heathens or menstruants. The rabbis even add the married man having sex with a woman who is not his wife to the list (well, at least taking a second wife.) As you may have noticed, traditionally sex was at the center of adultery. But when we look up adultery in the thesaurus we find unfaithful, infidelity, cheating--all words having to do less with sex and more with lying and deceit.

So, recently I asked a number of my rabbi friends, with whom I meet regularly, how they define adultery in today's world. [I had not talked kink with most of them but a couple of months earlier one of them had brought up the question of polyamory and kiddushin so it was perfectly reasonable for me to assume their opinions would take into consideration the reality of today's world.] Even after I stressed the technical definition spelled out by the Torah, they still all agreed that adultery comes down to immoral or inappropriate sexual relationships--legal definitions be damned!

Polyamory, when truly agreed upon by all relevant partners, is not cheating. It is not infidelity. It is not being unfaithful--as faith has not been broken. Even open relationships that are not based in a philosophy of love can still be free from lying and deceit and, therefore, can still be moral and appropriate. Ultimately, the third commandment--thou shalt not take the Eternal's name for a vow in vain--is so much more important than preserving a traditional concept of sexual monogamy. Faithfulness comes down to honesty not sex.

The man who asked me about polygyny asked about Gd's view of the whole thing. I told him that as long as he is lying to or hurting his wife, Gd would not approve.

I have been in relationships with married or significantly othered men but I do not break one of my most basic rules: I am not and will not be a dirty little secret. Do not get me wrong, I have been tempted--oh, have I been tempted! Nevertheless, I have too much respect for myself as well as for the sanctity of marriage vows to be an instrument for deceit.

Open relationships do have to be steeped in lies and deceit. Polyamory does not have to be adultery. On the contrary, infinite, multiple love can be based in faith and fidelity.