Kinky Torah: Parashat Vayigash

Genesis 45:1 Joseph could not hold in his emotions. Since all his attendants were present, he cried out, 'Have everyone leave my presence!' Thus, no one else was with him when Joseph revealed himself to his brothers.

Recently, I “came out” to my sister. I told her about the blog and my being submissive, about my love of spankings and floggers, about the Doms I have been with; I told her everything. [If you, who are reading this, have had the good fortune of spanking or flogging or Dominating me in any way, do not fear. I did not name you.]

I was nervous telling her. I cannot say, exactly, what prompted me to reveal to her my secret life except, perhaps that I don’t handle secrets well. I like to talk about things. I like to share my reality with the people in my life. I like everything to be in the open.

Nevertheless, not every venue is appropriate for every revelation. I am not going to be discussing BDSM from the bimah anytime soon. Nor am I not going to be comparing floggers with the sisterhood. My sexual preferences, no matter how enmeshed they are with my personality, have no place in my congregational rabbinate. This is not to say that I or anyone else should suppress our sexuality for the sake of the congregation; merely that I would not discuss my sex life from the pulpit no matter how socially acceptable it would be deemed to be.

Joseph understood this. He understood that his private life was just that, private. He did not have to reveal himself before his attendants. They did not need to know who he really was under the veil of vizier.

But his brothers—they did need to know.

I told my sister that I am submissive, that I am kinky, that I am a proponent of BDSM. And she gently but clearly [she would make a great Domme!] told me that I have to tell our parents. To hide myself from my congregation is one thing, but to hide myself from my family…that is a form of personal suppression and ultimately unhealthy for a person like me who does not handle secrets well. (Please understand that we have amazing parents who are free thinkers, both socially and sexually. Sadly, I know that is not the case for everyone.) To be fair, she really only told me that I had to tell our mother. Mom, in turn, would tell Dad everything. I must have been ready, because a few days later, I did.

I chose not to offer my mom any particular proclivities, only that I and a couple of rabbi friends of mine have this blog on BDSM, that I am a strong advocate for a sex-positive society and that I identify as kinky. She was so cute. One of the first things she said was, “I saw Secretary!” The only negative thing she said during the entire conversation was that she was disappointed that I thought I couldn’t tell her. Did I mention that I have amazing free thinking parents?!

Just like Joseph, I have had to hide myself from the people I work with and for. But, just like Joseph, I needed to reveal my true self to my family. I needed to be able to talk to my mom about the men who have captured my fancy. I needed to run some ideas for the blog by my sister. I needed my family to know about me—the real me.

The REAL Lesson of Hanukkah

Chanukah is a fun holiday. We are meant to celebrate, party, indulge in greasy foods and sit in awe of the candles remembering the "miracle" of the oil. If that is working for you, you may want to stop reading this post because I am about to burst one of the biggest myths of Hannukka: the oil thing is a load of crap.

About 400 years after the fact, the rabbis of the Talmud fabricate the "single vial of oil lasting 8 days" story to throw off the Romans from the real miracle - the military victory of the Hasmoneans over the Greeks. Now, if you have not read I Maccabees recently you may not remember why those crazy Hasmoneans were willing to take on the Greeks when they were so grossly outnumbered. What Mattathias and Judah and all of those crazy Hasmoneans were fighting against was assimilation.

When the Greeks conquered peoples, back in the day, they tended to want to Greekify (or Hellenize) every new corner of the Empire. They wanted their new constituents to speak Greek, take Greek names, busy themselves with Greek pastimes, eat Greek food, and worship Greek gods. For many people that was great, as Greek stuff was considered hot. In fact, many of the Israelites really got into the whole Hellenization trend; they built a gymnasium in Jerusalem and pig started popping up on menus all over town. Mattathias was mortified, nay, livid that his people were abandoning their ways just to fit in with the conquering horde. So, he fought. He fought the Greeks and their insistence that everyone speak and eat and worship and recreate just like them. Now, to be fair, Mattathias had little interest in actual pluralism and freedom of expression. [He really just wanted all of the Israelites to maintain the "old time religion."] Nevertheless, his platform of anti-assimilation becomes the core value of the original story and is exactly what I hope we all take away from Channuka this year.

Throughout this great nation of ours, there has been an expectation of sexual assimilation--that each and every one of us must assimilate to the most simplistic and mild form of procreative sexuality and sexual intercourse. Homosexuality in unacceptable. Multiple partners is uncivilized. BDSM is unfathomable. Our sex lives, our entire concept of sexuality may only be shaped by the puritanical cookie cutter. The conservative religionists have conquered our land; we must assimilate.

No.

As we leave Hannukah 5771 behind, let us stand up to the conquering hordes and say NO to assimilation. We do not all have to be the same. We do not have to speak the same language, worship the same way and love in the same manner. We do not have to be like everyone else, especially in the most intimate corners of our lives. On the contrary, we must be true to our unique selves and break free from the expectations of the sexual oppressors. We must fight assimilation and revel in the diversity of our sexuality.

Happy Chanukka!

Today marked the biblical holiday of Tu b'Av, the Jewish Lovers' Day. I am on a campaign to bring this joyous holiday back to the Jewish world. Luckily I am not alone, Israeli society has been embracing Tu b'Av more and more over the past decade and recently Jewish groups in America have been promoting Tu b'Av as perfect day for singles events.

As an ardent advocate for love, I want to see Tu b'Av become one of the most popular holidays throughout the Jewish year. But the lesson of this day is so much more than merely one of love. The Talmudic reference that introduces us to Tu b'Av compares this day of love to Yom Kippur, saying that throughout the year these were the two favorite holidays of all the Israelites.

Comparing Jewish Lovers' Day to the Day of Atonement got me thinking, are there any commonalities between love and atonement? Well, as an ardent advocate for BDSM, this was kind of easy. I have always felt the ascetic rituals of Yom Kippur to be spiritually compelling. Fasting, beating my chest, diminishing comfort, even refraining from romance--all of these ascetic behaviors heighten the intensity of guilt and atonement. I have found ascetics to heighten my experience of love as well. While fasting may not do much for me, romantically, beating, discomfort, forced refrain--each of these have played a role in my love. The kinky Jew inheresntly understands the deep connection between love and atonement and therefore between Tu b'Av and Yom Kippur. The kinky Jew also understands how it is that these two days were in fat the happiest of all the year back in the day.

And so, during these two months between Tu b'Av & Yom Kippur, let us all allow our love from this day the opportunity to mature and purify under the encouragement of the ascetics of our tradition.

Nature vs. Nurture: The Personal Saga

Recently I told a close friend of mine about my proclivities. At first she simply listened with intrigue in her voice, but a few days later she called me up--she was worried about me. She was worried that I could be putting myself in danger; she was worried that I was unhealthy in my desires. She wanted to know why I felt a need to be submissive--why I enjoyed being pushed to my limits. She wanted to know if there was anything in my past, my childhood, that could be the source of my kinks.

I loved the fact that she asked me tons of questions and pushed me to explain myself. I love the fact that she made me think about the origins of my personality. I love the fact that she gave me a venue to talk about what I had been thinking about for a while:

Nothing made me this way,
I have always been submissive
I have always enjoyed aggressive romance.

When I was a child one of my teddy bears dominated one of my other bears into sex. I had fantasies of being forced to have sex from the time I had any notion towards sex. Throughout high school, I was thought of as a good girl, but in truth I could be cajoled to do almost anything...almost--as long as a boy had an aura of command about him. As soon as I became romantic with a boy, I would become exceedingly demure. My friends and I loved to play with handcuffs and once I found myself cuffed to my boyfriends bed just as the rest of our friends were clearing out. I cannot even begin to describe how disappointed I was when he uncuffed me.

Then, a handful of years ago I had a boyfriend who gave me a wee swat on the bum while we were fooling around. I gasped in an over dramatic way and he loved it. And I loved the fact that he loved it. It never went any further than that but it certainly planted a seed within me. I asked my next boyfriend if he would spank me. He said no. And then I was with a man who was a dirty, dirty boy--it both scared and titillated me. And yet another dirty, dirty boy--this one very dominant. I was entranced by his demeanor and the excitement of it all. That summer I moved, but before I did, I bought a book of spanking stories. Randomly, I opened the book to a story about a woman who was utterly beaten while hanging on a St. Andrew's cross. When I had finished the story my first reaction was, "Wow! I don;t think I could ever take that. I am so impressed." Sure, it occurred to me that most people would have found the story upsettingly violent--I found it to be something to strive for.

I have since had the opportunity to play with a few people. I currently have two amazing partners, including Spiritually Playful. I have had my limits pushed to places I never thought possible. I have been blessed with chances to truly bask in sub-space.

And I have come to see that nothing made me this way. I have always been submissive. I have always fantasized about aggressive romance.

Freedom of mind, body, soul . . .

I began my attempt to be well read starting when I was ten. At summer camp we traded a copy of a sexy book back and forth, chapter by chapter, top bunk to bottom bunk and back. I was hypnotized by the relationship dynamics as much as by the sexual experience and conversations. By eleven the beginning of my education and my life long pursuit of all knowledge concerning relationship dynamics was complete (not!). I found a copy of Robert Rimmer's The Harrad Experiment! I found it liberating at eleven to think that multiple couples could bond, maintain multiple, open, long-term relationships and create a tribal house in which all members contributed to the household and relationship responsibilities. Sure it is Utopian and from the 70s, thus only dealing with the heterosexual aspect of relationships. But for me it provided hope for the advancement of the human spirit, human desires, and human sexuality. It is impossible to say I've read everything, but I've certainly read as much about relationships and sex as I could possible get my hands on and my mind wrapped around. It allowed me to believe that there was always more that I could learn and always someone who might be able to teach me. At some point I saw the movie 9 1/2 weeks and was mesmerized by the images it showed and the power exchange within the relationship. Again there are things to love and things to hate about this film, but the images advanced my knowledge of the potential for my inner desires. Later I watched Sex, Lies and Video Tape and The Secretary which also helped to provide images I longed to see and illustrate the desires I longed to fulfill.


Later, a partner of mine gifted me with two books that would change my life. Exit to Eden by Anne Rice as Anne Rampling and The Story of O by Pauline Reage. These books are both great and awful. I both love and hate aspects of each of these books. But beyond that they began to open another aspect of my inner desires. I desire to tie a partner up with her consent, a desire to be completely in control. Some years passed as I continued reading and understanding my inner desires.

A few years later, at almost thirty, I took my own life in hand the moment I felt free enough to purchase my first pair of leather bondage cuffs and Laura Antoniou's (still as Sara Adamson back then) first three Market Place novels. That summer, standing in the middle of the Boston Leather Flea Market, I felt the shackles of my fears and reservations fall from my mind and psyche. I still only had three people who knew of my dominant tendencies, two who let me actually bind them to a bed, but I had hopes for more adventures as I continued to explore my own relationship boundaries in my search for partners with similar desires.

At this time, while I was exploring my wild side, I was also a few years away from becoming a rabbi. I wasn't sure a loving partner existed who would accept and share both my inner desires and my belief in open relationships. I wasn't involved in any scene and didn't know enough people who lived like I wanted to live. And I was positive that my lifestyle couldn't, wouldn't mesh with my desire to be the best rabbi I could become. But as much as I wanted to be a great rabbi is as much as I wanted to be a great Dom in multiple, long term relationships with partners I respected and loved who enjoyed having me tie them up and fulfill a long list of both of our desires.

Fast forward ten years. I have a primary loving partner who enjoys being bound to a bed and spanked once in a while who supports me in all I am and all I do. I have three very different partners I love who all come to me for my skills with ropes, cuffs, floggers and other fascinating toys and devices. One of them I have been with only one year less than I've been with my primary partner. I also happen to be an amazing rabbi, with an amazing job.

A few springs ago, a best friend, colleague and one of my current partners began a conversation that changed both our lives. She told me that she thinks she loves being tied up and being at the will of a strong, dominant partner. "Funny thing," I say. "I happen to love tying people up and fulfilling their desires and mine in a consensual safe environment." (The funnier part of this is that she says to me this year "I knew ten years ago you liked tying people up. I found your cuffs once under your bed." What she was doing looking under my bed is an EVEN LONGER story!).
Our friendship and relationship blossomed until we were talking this year, after an amazing scene together, about writing with a third like-minded friend from our perspectives as both rabbis and sexual beings active in the BDSM lifestyle. We figured that based on the number of rabbis we had already discovered who were into the scene that there had to be even more rabbis we didn't know about with no voice who think they are alone in their desires and calling.

This is the short of my story. It isn't every detail, but it is enough of them. I am a very spiritual and sexual person. I always have been and always will be. I love who I am and who I become each day. I love my family, I love my partners and I love being a rabbi. I think my greater understanding of love, relationships (especially open relationships) and sex gives me a healthy head start in helping couples and families as they deal with their own relationship issues or prepare for their life together in marriage.

I hope my words here help build a stronger Jewish community and a stronger bond(age) to its sexual identity. I also hope the three of us create a greater understanding of the fact that we aren't alone in our calling as rabbis who desire to push their sexual lives as far as they can go in healthy, safe and consensual environments and experiences.
Cain yehi ratzon - May this be God's will,
1LeatherRabbi@gmail.com

Just How Hard Wired are We?

At what point does a person know that he is submissive? or Dominant? At what point does a person know that she likes to be tied up? or likes to spank bad boys and girls? Are sexual proclivities hard wired into us or do we learn them from our parents, siblings, friends, lovers? Is BDSM nature or nurture?

On the one hand, there are so many fetishes that, by their very nature, must be the product of nurture, such as electro shock based fetishes, Hello Kitty fetishes, or car fetishes--none of these could have existed until such time as we invented (or in the case of electricity, harnessed) them. In the scope of human existence, they are flashes in the pan--and flashes do not imprint themselves upon our DNA...our psyche, absolutely, but not our very genome.

So, while the particulars of a fetish may rely on the world/culture/family we grow up in, what about the archetype of the fetish? Could a person, theoretically, have an inherent fetish for shock type stimuli, totems, or big powerful inanimate objects--things that have always been present throughout human existence? Could a person be born submissive? Dominant? Masochistic? Sadistic? Could a person have in hers or his genetic make-up a need to serve? A need to portray an animal? A need to humiliate another?

As is generally true of any nature vs. nurture argument, I imagine the answer will be neither one nor the other, but rather...both.

We come into this world with aspects of our dispositions already hard wired; I, for example, failed my first Apgar test because, no matter what the doctor did to me, I didn't cry (anyone here see a future stubborn masochist?) Nevertheless, how my hard wired disposition blossomed into the happy sub who writes this today has everything to do with how I have been nurtured, for better or for worse, throughout my life.

So, why this question right now? I have a teenage kid who I am watching express her overwhelming desire to be dominated (sans any of the language of the BDSM culture). I cannot help but wonder is this desire imprinted upon her DNA or is it the result of events in her life that have left her feeling distrustful of her own ability to make decisions?

Once I opened my eyes to my true self, I knew that so much of this had been with me from the very beginning. But is that necessarily true for everyone else?

What about your fetish, nature or nurture?

B'ruchim HaBa'im!!!

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An introduction . . .

After ten years of personal and sexual soul searching two friends and I discovered that we had a lot more in common than just our profession. So after some discussions we decided to create this blog to create a safe space for us, and those like us, to write, discuss, describe our lives and how we choose to live them in a healthy and loving manner with a bit of leather and a lot of healthy bondage thrown in for fun. We hope you join on this adventure in words.

1Leatherrabbi@gmail.com