Kinky Torah: Parashat Va'eira

7:1 God said to Moses, 'Observe! I will be making you like a god to Pharaoh, and your brother Aaron will be your prophet. 7:2 You must announce all that I order you to, and your brother Aaron will relate it to Pharaoh. He will then let the Israelites leave his land. 7:3 'I will make Pharaoh stubborn, and will thus have the opportunity to display many miraculous signs and wonders in Egypt. 7:4 This is why Pharaoh will not pay attention to you. But then I will display My power against Egypt, and with great acts of judgment, I will bring forth from Egypt My armies - My people, the Israelites. 7:5 When I display My power and bring the Israelites out from among them, Egypt will know that I am God.'

When studying a parashah, sometimes a single word propels me--other times it is a phrase or verse, perhaps a pericope. Once in a blue moon, however, it is the entirety of the parashah that moves me. Va'eira is such a portion.

Va'eira, meaning "I will reveal," reveals the dark side, not just of the oppressed mind of the rejecting Israelites, not just of the absolutely powered therefore absolutely corruptible Pharaoh, not just of the whimpering, no confidence Moses. Va’eira reveals the dark side of God. In this portion, God begins the terrible game with Pharaoh—making his heart stubborn so that God can display awesome and awful plagues. So many people will die, painfully and horrifically, but God will “have the opportunity to display many miraculous signs and wonders” so, who cares?

Va’eira is at the heart of the most oft told and well known story we have—the Exodus from Egypt—and yet Va’eira begins the darkest concept of God we have ever considered throughout our history. The God of Va’eira is bitter and bloodthirsty, opportunistic and sadistic. The God of Va’eira is as dark as the human soul can imagine.

I have always hated this imagining of God. Every time I read about God hardening Pharaoh’s heart, I get so angry; why is it alright to bring ten plagues that will massacre hundreds, if not thousands of people when Pharaoh would have relented after the first five less horrifically destructive plagues? Why would we write a vengeful, sadistic God at all? What inside of the human soul requires the divine to mirror the darkness embedded in each of our souls?

Because that is the base truth of Va’eira: the human soul is filled with darkness as well as light. We are bitter and bloodthirsty, opportunistic and sadistic. Like the Israelites we reject. Like Pharaoh we are corruptible. Like Moses we have no confidence. So, we assume, like God we are cruel and fame seeking and vengeful and horrific in every way. We are dark and we have within us the spark of God therefore God must be as dark as we.

Va’eira is not about God. It is about the human psyche—the darkness within us all. Va’eira elevates our darkness to a fantastical, appalling, miraculous saga.

Do not get me wrong, I truly believe that we are amazing. The human experience is inherently good and beautiful and filled with wonder. Nevertheless, part of what makes us so outstanding is the fact that the darkness is always trying to engulf us. We live a life straddled between the yetzer hatov and the yetzer hara. Va’eira is yet another reminder that the ra is just as integral to the human experience as the tov. So integral, in fact, we even project our yetzer hara onto God.

God is not actually cruel and hardening and sadistic. We are.

Kinky Torah: Parashat Shemot: Each of Us Has A Name

Each of Us Has a Name, by Zelda

Each of us has a name
given by God
and given by our parents
Each of us has a name
given by our stature and our smile
and given by what we wear
Each of us has a name
given by the mountains
and given by our walls
Each of us has a name
given by the stars
and given by our neighbors
Each of us has a name
given by our sins
and given by our longing
Each of us has a name
given by our enemies
and given by our love
Each of us has a name
given by our celebrations
and given by our work
Each of us has a name
given by the seasons
and given by our blindness
Each of us has a name
given by the sea
and given by
our death.

Each of us has a name, given by our vanilla lives, and by our kink. At least for those of us that have a kinky side. Indeed, we all have many aspects to our lives...I think this becomes more evident for those of use who come with a bit of kink. We have our "regular lives" and the aspects that involve our kink.

This week's portion begins a new book of the Torah...and begins a new stage of the history of our people. And, indeed, of our name. Indeed, it is in the first chapter of this book that the name Israel transforms from the name of a guy (well, to be honest, the second name of a guy), to the name of a group. It is when our ancestors move from being an extended family towards being a people. It is this name that becomes our identity; the rest of the story is how we grow into that name.

I've been on my own journey of discovery for a bit now. It was a couple of years ago that I admitted at all that I had this side...a bit less than a year since I admitted it fully and began to engage that aspect of myself. And even begun to embrace it. I have a name that I use with those I've just come to meet in this realm....and perhaps that's the name of my kinky self. Those that I've come to be close with have learned my real name, as well. I'm still learning where that line is drawn. Still learning what my names are....still figuring out how I fit into my names.

I've found myself in a relationship, of late, with someone I've come to love deeply. He's married, and poly, and I'm not his only girlfriend. All that, on its own, includes its own selection of challenges. The fact that I'm a rabbi, and cannot make this all public, an additional collection of difficulties. Add on that he lives far away makes it all even tougher. But, we persevere. And, in the end, I think it's all a good thing. I'm still figuring out what this new identity, this new name so to speak, means to me...still growing into it, I suppose.

But I digress (I have a habit of doing that). Each of us has a name. We each have so many aspects to our lives...for me, once I realized and admitted I had a kinky side...well, I added a name for myself. But there's a lesson here, as well. We must figure out who we are as individuals, in general, but also who we are as our kinky selves.

How do we stay true to our identity in general, while claiming our new names? How do we balance it all? I believe we each have our own answer for that. But it's a good question to keep in mind.

Each of us has a name. Given to us by our lives, and given to us by our choices. May we all live up to our names and continually define what those names are.

Kinky Torah: Parashat Vay'chi

Parashat Vay'chi, the last Torah portion in Sefer B'reishit (the book of Genesis), is most famous for Jacob's deathbed "blessing" of his twelve sons in chapter 49. Let's be honest here, whether or not this is really a "blessing" is up for discussion--Jacob is not kind to all of his sons. I was prepared to write a serious discourse about the nature of conferring such dark messages on one's deathbed when I realized: whatever, let's have some fun!

And so I offer you, my faithful reader, each son's fetish as revealed by their blessing. If you are not certain as to how, exactly, I have exhumed each fetish from the text, ask me. Please, please, please feel free to vociferously disagree with me and tell me all about it! For a full text of each blessing, look it up!

Reuben ~ Mommy/son

49:4 …This is because you violated your father's beds, committing a profane act. He slept with my wife!

Simeon & Levi ~ Sadists

49:7 Cursed be their rage, for it is fierce, and their fury, for it is cruel. I will disperse them in Jacob, scatter them in Israel.

Judah ~ Dominant

49:8 'Judah, your brothers shall submit to you… 49:10 …Nations will submit to him until the final tranquility comes.

Zebulun ~ Prostituting

49:13 'Zebulun shall settle the seashores; he will be a harbor for ships; his border shall reach Sidon.

Issachar ~ Slave

49:15 But he sees that the resting place is good, and that the land is pleasant, so he will bend his back to the load, working like a slave.

Dan ~ Foot Fetish

49:17 Let Dan be a snake on the road, a viper on the path, biting the horse's heel, so the rider falls backward.

Gad ~ Smart Ass Sub

49:19 'Raiders shall raid Gad, but he will raid at [their] heel.

Asher ~ Whipped Cream, Ginger, Chocolate Sauce, Champagne, Cucumbers, so on and so on…

49:20 'From Asher shall come the richest foods; he shall provide the king's delights.

Naphtali ~ Queer

49:21 Naphtali is a hind prancing free; he delivers words of beauty.

Joseph ~ Adult Nursing Relationship/Pregnancy Fetish/Etc.

49:25 '[This was] from your father's God, who will [still] help you, and from the Eternal, who will bless you. [Yours will be] the blessings of heaven above, the blessing of the water lying beneath, the blessing of breast and womb.

Benjamin ~Blood Sports

49:27 'Benjamin is a vicious wolf. He eats a portion in the morning, and divides his prey in the evening.'

Kinky Torah: Parashat Vayigash

Genesis 45:1 Joseph could not hold in his emotions. Since all his attendants were present, he cried out, 'Have everyone leave my presence!' Thus, no one else was with him when Joseph revealed himself to his brothers.

Recently, I “came out” to my sister. I told her about the blog and my being submissive, about my love of spankings and floggers, about the Doms I have been with; I told her everything. [If you, who are reading this, have had the good fortune of spanking or flogging or Dominating me in any way, do not fear. I did not name you.]

I was nervous telling her. I cannot say, exactly, what prompted me to reveal to her my secret life except, perhaps that I don’t handle secrets well. I like to talk about things. I like to share my reality with the people in my life. I like everything to be in the open.

Nevertheless, not every venue is appropriate for every revelation. I am not going to be discussing BDSM from the bimah anytime soon. Nor am I not going to be comparing floggers with the sisterhood. My sexual preferences, no matter how enmeshed they are with my personality, have no place in my congregational rabbinate. This is not to say that I or anyone else should suppress our sexuality for the sake of the congregation; merely that I would not discuss my sex life from the pulpit no matter how socially acceptable it would be deemed to be.

Joseph understood this. He understood that his private life was just that, private. He did not have to reveal himself before his attendants. They did not need to know who he really was under the veil of vizier.

But his brothers—they did need to know.

I told my sister that I am submissive, that I am kinky, that I am a proponent of BDSM. And she gently but clearly [she would make a great Domme!] told me that I have to tell our parents. To hide myself from my congregation is one thing, but to hide myself from my family…that is a form of personal suppression and ultimately unhealthy for a person like me who does not handle secrets well. (Please understand that we have amazing parents who are free thinkers, both socially and sexually. Sadly, I know that is not the case for everyone.) To be fair, she really only told me that I had to tell our mother. Mom, in turn, would tell Dad everything. I must have been ready, because a few days later, I did.

I chose not to offer my mom any particular proclivities, only that I and a couple of rabbi friends of mine have this blog on BDSM, that I am a strong advocate for a sex-positive society and that I identify as kinky. She was so cute. One of the first things she said was, “I saw Secretary!” The only negative thing she said during the entire conversation was that she was disappointed that I thought I couldn’t tell her. Did I mention that I have amazing free thinking parents?!

Just like Joseph, I have had to hide myself from the people I work with and for. But, just like Joseph, I needed to reveal my true self to my family. I needed to be able to talk to my mom about the men who have captured my fancy. I needed to run some ideas for the blog by my sister. I needed my family to know about me—the real me.

Kinky Torah: Parashat Mikeitz

Joseph: The Paradigmatic Switch

42:6 And Joseph was the governor over the land; he it was that sold to all the people of the land. And Joseph's brethren came, and bowed down to him with their faces to the earth. 42:7 And Joseph saw his brethren, and he knew them, but made himself strange unto them, and spoke roughly with them...

No character has as much narrative in Genesis as Joseph, not even Abraham; so it should not come as too much of a surprise that we get to see this man in many roles. Nevertheless, it has always amazed me just how easily Joseph transitions from being in shackles to being second in command of all Egypt.

When Joseph is thrown into the pit by his brothers, he is silent. When he is sold into slavery, he is silent. As he wallows in prison, he is silent. There is a classic Jewish tradition that suggests that it is out of Joseph's extreme piety that he is able to silently submit in each of these occasions. He believes so strongly in the divine plan for him, that he can and will endure anything in order to be the instrument that God has ordained him to be. Now I ask you, is this or is this not the way of the true submissive? For the sake of the Masters will/plan/enjoyment, the submissive endures--or even welcomes--all that befalls him or her.

Yet, as we can see from this weeks parasha, as soon as Joseph is given the opportunity to play Dom, he jumps at it. He takes on a domineering Egyptian name, Zaphenet Panei-ach: the one appointed by the god to provide life. He dons the clothing of wealth and power. He marries the daughter of a priestess. He reduces the entire Egyptian populace to a serfdom beholden to Pharaoh, the only man greater than he. And when his brothers arrive, he plays out his ultimate D/s scene; he makes them grovel before him.

Before anyone gets soft on me and brings up how he cries at their reunion; his tears do not fall until after Benjamin comes with the rest of the brothers on their second trip and, even then, not until he sets them all up to see if they will discard little Benny as easily as they discarded him, so many years ago.

On the contrary, as our text clearly states, Joseph has the brothers prostrate themselves before him as he spoke "roughly" to them. At this moment, he steps completely into the roll of the Dominant, eager to bend those before him to submit fully to His will.

Perhaps this is merely Joseph's evolution of power and control: from the depths to the heights, from subjugation to authority, from submissive to Dominant. On the other hand, for any individual to be able to truly embody from one end of the spectrum to the other within a single lifetime, maybe, just maybe this is the ultimate switch.

Finally, what is Joseph's secret to switching? How is it that he can both submit and Dominate fully with absolute surety in his role? 1. Joseph lives in the moment (well, in the moment that was 3500 years ago.) When not confronted by dreams, whether they be his own or others, Joseph accepts the moment before him ordained by God and he rolls with it. 2. Joseph doesn't merely like power and control, he truly understands it. Therefore when it wielded against him, either by God or by his brothers or by Potiphar, he is aware enough to submit to it; yet when power and control are placed squarely in his hands, He is perfectly capable and comfortable wielding it Himself.

And here I had thought switches were merely folks who could not make up their minds!

Kinky Torah: Parashat B'reishit

^2:15 The Eternal God took HaAdam and placed him in the garden of Eden, to till it and tend it. ^2:16 And the Eternal God commanded HaAdam, saying, "Of every tree of the garden you are free to eat; ^2:17 but as for the tree of knowledge of good and bad, you must not eat of it; for as soon as you eat of it, you shall die." ^3:1 Now the serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild beasts that the Eternal God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say: You shall not eat of any tree of the garden?" ^3:2 The woman replied to the serpent, "We may eat of the fruit of the other trees of the garden. ^3:3 It is only about fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden that God said: 'You shall not eat of it or touch it, lest you die.'" ^3:4 And the serpent said to the woman, "You are not going to die, ^3:5 but God knows that as soon as you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you will be like divine beings who know good and bad." ^3:6 When the woman saw that the tree was good for eating and a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable as a source of wisdom, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave some to her husband, and he ate. ^3:7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they perceived that they were naked; and they sewed together fig leaves and made themselves loincloths.

Genesis 2:15-17, 3:1-7

When God first commands HaAdam not to eat of the Tree of Knowledge, God says nothing about touching it. According to Eve, when the command is related to her, she may not eat or touch the Tree. This gives the serpent a perfect in. All he has to do is get Eve to touch the Tree. Since, touching the Tree is not destined to kill her, once she touches it and lives the seeds of possibility are planted. Once she begins seeing possibilities, it almost doesn't matter if she eats from the Tree. She has already experimented. She has already tried something taboo. She has already begun thinking beyond the norm. And she has determined this Tree, this act of digression from what was expected of her, to be good, delightful, desirable.

Doesn't this sound a lot like the average person's experience with kink?

So much of the vanilla world tells us not to taste, not even to touch--in fact, you know what, don't even look at kink--don't even think about anything beyond the missionary pale. But what happens when we meet someone who tempts us with the possibility of having our eyes opened to all kinds of sexual expression? Such "serpents" ask us if it's really so off the wall to leave the lights on. Of course once we bring sex into the light, the seeds of possibility become planted within our sexual appetites. We start considering the many possibilities and all of the sudden we are craving...apples!

Let it be known that in Jewish tradition, this moment in "history" is considered inevitable, appropriate and even necessary. We were meant to eat of the fruit so that our eyes would be opened. We were meant to have knowledge of good and evil. We were meant to leave the garden so that we could truly experience the world.

Which also means, we were meant to have a sense of nakedness.

The serpent was not a minion of the devil. On the contrary, if not for the serpents in our lives, the ones who come along and tempt us to experiment, try something taboo, to think beyond the norm, we would be stuck in some vanilla world completely blind to all of the spicy possibilities.

So, go ahead, listen to the serpent and taste the apple and open your eyes to all of the kinky possibilities around you!

Kinky Torah: Parashat Noach

Noah began to be a master of the earth, and he planted a vineyard. And he drank of the wine and became drunk, and he uncovered himself within his tent.

Genesis 9:20-21

According to the Torah, Noah becomes the first man to cultivate grapes for the magical substance we call wine. Unfortunately, he has no idea of the potency of alcohol and gets drunk. In his drunken state, he then becomes the first flasher in recorded history, perhaps even the first masturbator of note. Most people have found alcohol to lower their inhibitions. Have enough wine, beer, scotch, whiskey, vodka (my personal favorite) and you, too, may find yourself "uncovering" your nakedness for all.

What I find really interesting is how this relates to what comes next:
And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father's nakedness, and he told his two brothers outside. ...And Noah awoke from his wine, and he knew what his small son had done to him. And he said, "Cursed be Canaan; he shall be a slave among slaves to his brethren."

Genesis 9:22, 24-25

There are a lot of theories as to what Ham does that deserves being cursed. Some say that he castrated Noah. Others say he sodomized him. Many accept the text for what it says, Ham saw his father in all of his nakedness and proceeded to tell the world, as they knew it. [Knowing the Torah, his curse could just as easily be a punishment for gossiping--Miriam & leprosy, anyone!]

Honestly, I don't necessarily care about Ham and his curse. When reading this, I cannot help noticing that while Ham gets the shaft for, well, seeing his dad's shaft, Noah is not punished at all. Noah invents liquor. Noah gets drunk. Noah exposes himself. One would think that any of these things could incur the wrath of our tradition! On the contrary, Noah has a long life after the flood and is held up by our tradition as someone who was able to rise above the evils of his community.

So, what if alcohol was not so bad after all? Maybe it is ok to get drunk sometimes. (I have got one word for you: Purim.) But more importantly than all of that--because we know that Judaism is ok with alcohol in moderation and even with getting drunk, sometimes--what if this story tells us that it is ok to be lewd. It is ok to uncover our nakedness. It may even be ok to masturbate ;)

Noah is never hand slapped for what he does because there is nothing wrong with what he does. There is nothing wrong with getting a little bit crazy. There is nothing wrong with enjoying our own bodies. In fact, one could argue that the only bad move here was Ham telling everyone about it behind Noah's back.

In honor of Noah, go have a drink. You may even want to splurge a bit and get a bit tipsy. No matter how much you decide to imbibe, this shabbat, take some time to uncover your own nakedness. Enjoy your body--there's no curse in that!

Shabbat Shalom!

Kinky Torah

This shabbat we will be reading from Ki Tavo.

So, I was studying the parashah earlier today and could not help but notice the following verses:

Deuteronomy 28:47 you did not serve the LORD your God with joyfulness, and with gladness of heart, by reason of the abundance of all things; 48 therefore you will serve your enemy whom the LORD will send against you, in hunger, and in thirst, and in nakedness, and in want of all things; and he will put a yoke of iron upon your neck, until he has destroyed you.

It got me thinking about the idea of servitude. According to Jewish tradition, people are meant to serve. When we were freed from Egyptian slavery it was not to be completely free; rather, Adonai brought us out of Egyptian bondage so that we could serve Adonai. We cannot truly worship God if we are being forced to worship a human master.

But...

What if we choose servitude to another human as well as to God? Can we adequately serve two masters? Do I have to choose between my Dom and Adonai?

First of all, let me say that, being the sub that I am, I love the idea that the human psyche was divinely built for servitude! I am sure that many of you Doms and Dommes out there may disagree, nevertheless, it resonates for me!

More importantly, I do believe that I can serve God with true respect and devotion while serving a Dom if for no other reason than this:

Genesis 1:27 And God created human in His own image, in the image of God created He him; male and female created He them.

I truly believe that each and every one of us is created in the image of God; in the worship of another human being, I can serve God. My intention in submission, in worship, is to be as true to the image of God within myself as I am capable. Through serving, submitting, worshiping another, I am able to support the image of God in him. Through this voluntary, intentional act of submission, I serve God as I serve my Dom.

*ssr & I are thinking about starting a weekly kinky parashat hashavua. Would any one out there be interested in something like that? Let me know.
Just for the record, we would not start it until after Simchat Torah :)