Is Polyamory Adultery?

Recently, I was asked about how Gd feels about polygyny and pilegesh. I have been thinking about adultery a lot lately and this question really stirred me. Answering this man was relatively easy as he was asking about two ideas that are steeped in legal status. As the reality of U.S. law is that multiple marriage is illegal AND that Talmud is very clear regarding dinah d'malchuta dinah (the law of the land IS the law), I had no problem telling this man to forget about polygyny and even pilegesh. [Regarding pilegesh, in nearly all cultures concubinage has been considered a non-marital relationship with legal status. Although U.S. law does not address concubinage directly, I argue that the legal benefits of concubinage would in America suggest polygyny and therefore also be illegal.]

So, ok, multiple marriage is illegal--don't do it. But what about having a mistress? Or multiple partners while being married? What about being in love with multiple people while being married? What about polyamory? What exactly is or is not adultery?

According to the Torah, adultery is a sexual relationship between a married woman and a man other than her husband. Both marriage and adultery were originally an issue of wombs. Which would explain why only the woman's marital status was at issue. A proper woman's womb must be preserved for one man only so that there are no questions regarding paternity and inheritance. Adultery is not the only possibility for immoral sexual relationship, even in the Torah: incest, rape, sleeping with heathens or menstruants. The rabbis even add the married man having sex with a woman who is not his wife to the list (well, at least taking a second wife.) As you may have noticed, traditionally sex was at the center of adultery. But when we look up adultery in the thesaurus we find unfaithful, infidelity, cheating--all words having to do less with sex and more with lying and deceit.

So, recently I asked a number of my rabbi friends, with whom I meet regularly, how they define adultery in today's world. [I had not talked kink with most of them but a couple of months earlier one of them had brought up the question of polyamory and kiddushin so it was perfectly reasonable for me to assume their opinions would take into consideration the reality of today's world.] Even after I stressed the technical definition spelled out by the Torah, they still all agreed that adultery comes down to immoral or inappropriate sexual relationships--legal definitions be damned!

Polyamory, when truly agreed upon by all relevant partners, is not cheating. It is not infidelity. It is not being unfaithful--as faith has not been broken. Even open relationships that are not based in a philosophy of love can still be free from lying and deceit and, therefore, can still be moral and appropriate. Ultimately, the third commandment--thou shalt not take the Eternal's name for a vow in vain--is so much more important than preserving a traditional concept of sexual monogamy. Faithfulness comes down to honesty not sex.

The man who asked me about polygyny asked about Gd's view of the whole thing. I told him that as long as he is lying to or hurting his wife, Gd would not approve.

I have been in relationships with married or significantly othered men but I do not break one of my most basic rules: I am not and will not be a dirty little secret. Do not get me wrong, I have been tempted--oh, have I been tempted! Nevertheless, I have too much respect for myself as well as for the sanctity of marriage vows to be an instrument for deceit.

Open relationships do have to be steeped in lies and deceit. Polyamory does not have to be adultery. On the contrary, infinite, multiple love can be based in faith and fidelity.

Nature vs. Nurture: The Personal Saga

Recently I told a close friend of mine about my proclivities. At first she simply listened with intrigue in her voice, but a few days later she called me up--she was worried about me. She was worried that I could be putting myself in danger; she was worried that I was unhealthy in my desires. She wanted to know why I felt a need to be submissive--why I enjoyed being pushed to my limits. She wanted to know if there was anything in my past, my childhood, that could be the source of my kinks.

I loved the fact that she asked me tons of questions and pushed me to explain myself. I love the fact that she made me think about the origins of my personality. I love the fact that she gave me a venue to talk about what I had been thinking about for a while:

Nothing made me this way,
I have always been submissive
I have always enjoyed aggressive romance.

When I was a child one of my teddy bears dominated one of my other bears into sex. I had fantasies of being forced to have sex from the time I had any notion towards sex. Throughout high school, I was thought of as a good girl, but in truth I could be cajoled to do almost anything...almost--as long as a boy had an aura of command about him. As soon as I became romantic with a boy, I would become exceedingly demure. My friends and I loved to play with handcuffs and once I found myself cuffed to my boyfriends bed just as the rest of our friends were clearing out. I cannot even begin to describe how disappointed I was when he uncuffed me.

Then, a handful of years ago I had a boyfriend who gave me a wee swat on the bum while we were fooling around. I gasped in an over dramatic way and he loved it. And I loved the fact that he loved it. It never went any further than that but it certainly planted a seed within me. I asked my next boyfriend if he would spank me. He said no. And then I was with a man who was a dirty, dirty boy--it both scared and titillated me. And yet another dirty, dirty boy--this one very dominant. I was entranced by his demeanor and the excitement of it all. That summer I moved, but before I did, I bought a book of spanking stories. Randomly, I opened the book to a story about a woman who was utterly beaten while hanging on a St. Andrew's cross. When I had finished the story my first reaction was, "Wow! I don;t think I could ever take that. I am so impressed." Sure, it occurred to me that most people would have found the story upsettingly violent--I found it to be something to strive for.

I have since had the opportunity to play with a few people. I currently have two amazing partners, including Spiritually Playful. I have had my limits pushed to places I never thought possible. I have been blessed with chances to truly bask in sub-space.

And I have come to see that nothing made me this way. I have always been submissive. I have always fantasized about aggressive romance.

Yes, I said Rabbi

Since rabbinical school, I've gotten very used to the variety of responses that one gives to me sharing my career. I admit, I sometimes lie--especially when in settings where I just don't feel like chatting--like airplanes...I'm not a chatty flier...if you ask me a question, I'm not going to answer with something that's going to lead to more conversation. And, yes, "I'm a rabbi," almost always leads to a follow up conversation.

Sometimes, I like to think of it as a bar game. Like, if I'm at a bar or a party..."Hey--I bet you can't guess what I do for a living." I've never lost that game.

It's often a matter of the other person listing any and all personal connection to Judaism (from, oh--I met a Jew once...to, oh, I hated Hebrew School...to, I'm on my Temple Board...to, all sorts of other options). But it's always a conversation.

At any rate, in terms of dating, it's often a conversation ender. Rabbi is just not a sexy career. And many men (not making generalizations, but it's true) aren't so at peace with a strong, smart woman in a career with a good deal of power, especially power that's connected to intellect and knowledge.

Until I've entered the realm of BDSM. Suddenly, my career is sexy. As one Dom it didn't work out with said, "I love that you're a rabbi. It's just so...well...wrong." I love that.

A relative of mine once commented that I became a rabbi because it was the one career where my parents couldn't possibly not approve. Perhaps I've actively begun to pursue my submissiveness because it's the one realm where my chosen career is actually a turn on.

The Jewess: Sexually Repressed or Sexually Charged?

Throughout the ages, Jewish women have been the focus of many a sexual fantasy. As early as the Book of Esther, it is the Jewish girl who gets the kings attention for her ravaging beauty and intimate skills. In the Talmud, the rabbis are obsessed with the sexual appetite and sexual potency of Jewish women. In fact, they do everything they can think of to encourage Jewish men to “service” their wives as often as possible so that their wives’ longings do not get the better of them.

The Third Reich portrayed Jewish women as lascivious; much like the rabbis of the Talmud, the Nazis cautioned the Germans to beware the Jewish woman’s sexual appetite. The picture is an example of the Nazi propaganda regarding Jewish women. The text at the side of the picture says: "This puzzle-broadsheet was destined for the French soldiers in the bunkers of the Maginot-line. The German propaganda assumed that the curiosity of the soldiers would become bigger if they had to look for the different pieces at first. Once put together the pieces made up one of the most astute agitational pictures of the ‘paper war’: The demure English virgin, ‘Times’ gets a knowing reply from the mirror by the sluttish whore, ‘Semit[e]’.

At the same time we have been portrayed as repressed, repelled by sex, and downright frigid. Marcy Sheiner, in her introduction to The Oy of Sex, offers a joke that really brings the idea of this oxymoronic way of thinking about the Jewish woman’s sexuality:

"Q: How do you get a Jewish girl to stop fucking?
A: You marry her.
This, one of my all-time favorite jokes, first heard as an adolescent, can be interpreted several ways. On the surface, it says that Jewish women only "put out" to get the brass, or gold, ring. On the other hand, it tells us, frankly, that Jewish girls like to fuck. Unburdened by the Christian admonishments against carnal pleasure, the Jewish girl is more likely to rejoice in her sensuality. This is, of course, a positive identity, one we can at last proudly claim. On the other hand, it feeds the stereotype of the Jewish girl as slutty."

Last week I talked about how the entire nature of Jewish thought leads to a religion that is simply more sex positive. Well, in turn, Judaism has the potential for producing women who are more sex positive. It helps that, even if it hasn’t always been for good, we have been encouraged to think of ourselves as sexually carnivorous creatures!

I can make all of the obvious statements about how every woman is different and some Jewish women love sex and some hate it; some Jewish women are kinky and some as vanilla as extract! But I have been in many a conversation with many a man who has been with both Jewish and non-Jewish women and they seem to have a very particular impression of Jewish women: we like sex.

I, in all my Jewess-ness, love sex.

In the words of a close friend of mine who insists that he had slept with enough Jewish girls to know that, “Jewish girls take it up the ass.”

Freedom of mind, body, soul . . .

I began my attempt to be well read starting when I was ten. At summer camp we traded a copy of a sexy book back and forth, chapter by chapter, top bunk to bottom bunk and back. I was hypnotized by the relationship dynamics as much as by the sexual experience and conversations. By eleven the beginning of my education and my life long pursuit of all knowledge concerning relationship dynamics was complete (not!). I found a copy of Robert Rimmer's The Harrad Experiment! I found it liberating at eleven to think that multiple couples could bond, maintain multiple, open, long-term relationships and create a tribal house in which all members contributed to the household and relationship responsibilities. Sure it is Utopian and from the 70s, thus only dealing with the heterosexual aspect of relationships. But for me it provided hope for the advancement of the human spirit, human desires, and human sexuality. It is impossible to say I've read everything, but I've certainly read as much about relationships and sex as I could possible get my hands on and my mind wrapped around. It allowed me to believe that there was always more that I could learn and always someone who might be able to teach me. At some point I saw the movie 9 1/2 weeks and was mesmerized by the images it showed and the power exchange within the relationship. Again there are things to love and things to hate about this film, but the images advanced my knowledge of the potential for my inner desires. Later I watched Sex, Lies and Video Tape and The Secretary which also helped to provide images I longed to see and illustrate the desires I longed to fulfill.


Later, a partner of mine gifted me with two books that would change my life. Exit to Eden by Anne Rice as Anne Rampling and The Story of O by Pauline Reage. These books are both great and awful. I both love and hate aspects of each of these books. But beyond that they began to open another aspect of my inner desires. I desire to tie a partner up with her consent, a desire to be completely in control. Some years passed as I continued reading and understanding my inner desires.

A few years later, at almost thirty, I took my own life in hand the moment I felt free enough to purchase my first pair of leather bondage cuffs and Laura Antoniou's (still as Sara Adamson back then) first three Market Place novels. That summer, standing in the middle of the Boston Leather Flea Market, I felt the shackles of my fears and reservations fall from my mind and psyche. I still only had three people who knew of my dominant tendencies, two who let me actually bind them to a bed, but I had hopes for more adventures as I continued to explore my own relationship boundaries in my search for partners with similar desires.

At this time, while I was exploring my wild side, I was also a few years away from becoming a rabbi. I wasn't sure a loving partner existed who would accept and share both my inner desires and my belief in open relationships. I wasn't involved in any scene and didn't know enough people who lived like I wanted to live. And I was positive that my lifestyle couldn't, wouldn't mesh with my desire to be the best rabbi I could become. But as much as I wanted to be a great rabbi is as much as I wanted to be a great Dom in multiple, long term relationships with partners I respected and loved who enjoyed having me tie them up and fulfill a long list of both of our desires.

Fast forward ten years. I have a primary loving partner who enjoys being bound to a bed and spanked once in a while who supports me in all I am and all I do. I have three very different partners I love who all come to me for my skills with ropes, cuffs, floggers and other fascinating toys and devices. One of them I have been with only one year less than I've been with my primary partner. I also happen to be an amazing rabbi, with an amazing job.

A few springs ago, a best friend, colleague and one of my current partners began a conversation that changed both our lives. She told me that she thinks she loves being tied up and being at the will of a strong, dominant partner. "Funny thing," I say. "I happen to love tying people up and fulfilling their desires and mine in a consensual safe environment." (The funnier part of this is that she says to me this year "I knew ten years ago you liked tying people up. I found your cuffs once under your bed." What she was doing looking under my bed is an EVEN LONGER story!).
Our friendship and relationship blossomed until we were talking this year, after an amazing scene together, about writing with a third like-minded friend from our perspectives as both rabbis and sexual beings active in the BDSM lifestyle. We figured that based on the number of rabbis we had already discovered who were into the scene that there had to be even more rabbis we didn't know about with no voice who think they are alone in their desires and calling.

This is the short of my story. It isn't every detail, but it is enough of them. I am a very spiritual and sexual person. I always have been and always will be. I love who I am and who I become each day. I love my family, I love my partners and I love being a rabbi. I think my greater understanding of love, relationships (especially open relationships) and sex gives me a healthy head start in helping couples and families as they deal with their own relationship issues or prepare for their life together in marriage.

I hope my words here help build a stronger Jewish community and a stronger bond(age) to its sexual identity. I also hope the three of us create a greater understanding of the fact that we aren't alone in our calling as rabbis who desire to push their sexual lives as far as they can go in healthy, safe and consensual environments and experiences.
Cain yehi ratzon - May this be God's will,
1LeatherRabbi@gmail.com

Who Am I?

I recently got a friend request from an Israeli Dom on Fet, with this account name (I have another account there as well, but I prefer to keep the identities separate). I accepted, friendly type that I am. He asked me some questions about myself and requested that I, "Put a pic in your profile that you think represents you ."

Ever so obedient, I went to google to find the right image. And realized that I had no idea what kind of image to even search for. So, I put it out to you. What kind of image says, "Sassy Sub Rabbi" to you? I mean, if you don't know me, that might be hard...and I our blog is still new enough that you don't have that much insight into my personality...but I'm curious to hear what you think. If you were a female, submissive, liberal rabbi, what kind of image would you use to express yourself?

Judaism & Carnal Pleasure

I am a huge fan of FetLife.

Not only is it a great (free) place for pictures and stories, but the discussion boards are varied and interesting and offer a real opportunity for creating true online community by allowing us to engage with one another's mind. Through these discussions, we can share our histories, our passions, our fears, our annoyances, and our questions.

So, I was browsing some of my groups the other day and I came across a question that tickled me. In San Francisco/Bay Area Kinky Jews, theiconoclast asks:

I have noticed that Jewish women are generally sensual and very open-minded when it comes to sex. Is it because the faith is supportive of carnal pleasures?

As this is an excellent question, I thought it may be useful to answer it here in two parts! I actually see two questions here, and I shall tackle the second one first, today: is Judaism supportive of carnal pleasures?

Judaism is often given the credit of having a very open sexual ethic and in truth, Jewish tradition has always had a much more positive attitude towards the body and the needs of the body than Christianity. Unlike Christianity, we are not bogged down by the concept of original sin and we have a clear understanding that just as the body comes from God and is therefore sacred and good the needs of the body come from God and, therefore, have the potential, for being sacred and good. But, in my opinion, what truly makes Judaism more supportive of "carnal pleasures" has nothing to do with sex, per se. Judaism, at its very core, is a tradition based on shades of gray—a multiplicity of opinions.

Unless a matter is clearly elucidated in Torah, no one opinion should be considered absolute. In the Talmud there are rabbis who, clearly, have body issues, believe that women are inherently sinful, and are afraid of sex. (Sounds a lot like some of the early Church fathers, no?) BUT—and here’s where the whole multiplicity thing makes for great religion!—also in the Talmud are discussions about how the woman should orgasm first, that pre-married women should use birth control, and how we are free to have sex any way we want (just as long as seed isn’t spilled). Because Judaism, traditionally, shies away from absolutes, it is very difficult for one authority to come in and paint any one issue as dark and evil, even sex.

It helps that the most of the Talmudic rabbis seemed to have had a great appreciation for sex!

Next time: why Jewish Girls, in particular rock!